I miscarried back in February/march. My best friend who is normally really good about supporting me how I need has decided that I am the asshole when I don’t respond to her messages about her baby (born December). She doesn’t understand how triggering it is to me. She doesn’t understand that when she sends pictures or talks about his milestones that I can’t breathe. My baby is dead. She’s so excited to tell me about her baby’s first Halloween costume, but I was supposed to have my baby for their first Halloween this year too. I can’t breathe, but if I don’t respond I’m an asshole, and if I say anything about my baby being gone I’m an asshole. I’m always an asshole, but I’m grieving. I hate how I act because of it, but it’s not fair that my baby is gone. My baby, who I have been waiting for since I was a child myself, is gone. The only thing I’ve ever known I wanted, needed even, when I didn’t even know myself is dead. There was so much going on in my life at the same time that I didn’t get to take the time to grieve and now it sits with me every day, haunting me, ready to explode at any second. I am so tired from trying to act the way I am supposed to. From trying to go on with my life. I’m tired of being the asshole. I feel so alone. There is never anything new to say about it. It’s always the same things. The same feelings. The same foggy cloud hanging over me constantly. But I don’t get to acknowledge it. I just need somebody to understand. I’m tired of being the asshole.