story time (I need ADVICE)

I had two good friends. A girl and a guy. I absolutely love them both. We had so many memories. We just clicked as a group.

Silly me had a very unfortunate and unserious crush on guy for weeks. I was certain it was one sided and nothing would come of it- that’s why it was unserious.

I never told girl because I didn’t want guy to know and for things to be weird unnecessarily. I also worried about girl having a crush on guy or even myself. That thought made my emotions swirl.

Me and guy happen fall into a situation to share an intimate night. We kiss and cuddle. He holds my hand, runs his hand through my hair and to me it was nice- not weird in the moment at all.

The next day boy and I talk. That was a between friends thing, no big deal let’s never talk about it again.

I think- oh okay. I can handle that. It makes sense.

I give myself a week to reflect and get over my feelings I had. That was the easy part. We had a cute friendship but definitely nothing more than that.

In the following weeks I don’t speak to guy. This makes me sad. Things are different now and I wish they weren’t. We see each other for the first time and it’s simply off.

I speak to girl about my struggle. Her and guy are still really close. They talk everyday. Hang out all the time. This makes me sad. (Granted they live in a city three hours away from me now.)

I conclude it’s best for me to reach out to guy and clear the air. Let him know that I want to be friends and that I felt some type of way but was over it. I wanted to make sure we could be on the same page.

No response. Kinda hurt my feelings which I thought might happen.

Since then guy and I are virtually no contact. We have been around one another but just don’t have that friendship we once had. Maybe we never would have after summer- but the thought of what could have been had we not spent that night together bugs me.

I care for my people deeply. I value my friends and want to maintain them in my life. This lost connection has left me feeling sad, insecure, and regretful.

The insecurity is the worst of it. Girl and guy, as mentioned, are very close. Girl is beautiful, great personality, closer to what guy probably envisions for himself. While I’m over guy- the thought of the two of them makes me feel stupid, ugly, and unworthy- insecure. Embarrassed.

Girl has assured me nothing of that nature would ever occur but has made concerning statements such as: i know guy once had a crush on me, I don’t think guys and girls can be just friends…. those words rotate in my mind.

Seeing them continue to be close really strikes a nerve- not in a hateful or spiteful manner- I love and trust them both- but it makes me feel quite small.

To spend a night like that with someone you consider a friend is probably never a good idea I’ve learned. Now I’m battling these insecurities, inability to make things right, and sadness that it may never be the same.

Truly, it shouldn’t be this deep. But I won’t ever deny myself feeling for I know what it’s like to not feel. I want to be bold in my interactions, decisions, and desires. I am confident in my emotions leading me to the right path- even if it is messy. My feelings are who I am- I just wish I could tell guy that.

Am I in the wrong for feeling all of this? Shouldn’t I just move on?