TW: Drug use and mental health

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and understand what a blessing that is. I have gone through 5 miscarriages previously and have 1 beautiful child at home after following a recurrent miscarriage plan.

This pregnancy was not planned and I did have doubts around keeping the baby since I found out, but due to my past losses I felt that I had to put that to the back of my mind and try to ignore them.

The father is someone I have known for 8 years although we have been in each other’s lives on and off throughout this time.

Just before I found out I was pregnant I’d spoken to my friends and told them I was deciding to cut him off as I had realised he has an active Ketamine addiction which he had been very good at hiding and I don’t want any drug use in my life and I certainly don’t welcome that into my home with a child.

Unfortunately I didn’t know I was already pregnant at this point. It really is true that it only takes one time, as we had always used protection except for one time. When I told him I was pregnant he was ecstatic and promised me the world and that he was going to sort himself out and stop the drugs and everything that comes with it.

I encouraged (basically made him) him to contact a Drug and Alcohol Service and went through the referral form with him. Since that first contact he doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously and is continuing to buy and use daily. It has affected his employment and I am concerned that he could end up in jail due to it, as he has been driving whilst under the influence and has had people after him for debts owed. I understood that things wouldn’t completely change overnight as that’s not how addiction works but, I just feel there has been no progress.

I do not want to bring a child up in this environment. I also am currently a single parent and whilst I can and do provide everything my child needs, I will really struggle to do this with a second child alone and I am unsure I would be able to afford everything the essentials that they both need, especially with nursery fees being so high. My child has a good life and I don’t want her to be negatively affected.

In my previous pregnancy with my child at home, I struggled severely with my mental health both during and after pregnancy, with psychosis and depression (partly due to medication for recurrent miscarriage) leading me to attempt to take my own life at 7 months pregnant and 4 months post-partum. I am terrified of doing going through this alone and falling into that place again, I promised I would never risk letting myself get there again as my child deserves better and I don’t want to put her through living with that.

I don’t know whether this is just silly thoughts or something more. I just needed to vent and get it off my chest but it feels awful.