I ruin everything I touch

I am a victim of child SA. My dad used to SA me for years. Then I got into an abusive marriage and had 2 kids. My daughter was neither a daddy or mamas girl. She has always been extremely independent and wanted to do her own thing. She was considered bossy because she liked to take charge. My son on the other hand was all momma's boy. He loved and adored me and I love and adored him. We were super close. I tried to be the best mother and hide my abuse. My ex husband had beat me and sexually assaulted me multiple times. My daughter is 14 and son is 16 now. Last year something happened and I handled it so poorly. Idk why I handled it this way. It's almost like I reverted back to my abuse where all I would try to do is runaway. I found out my husband had been sexually abusing my daughter. The right thing to do would have been to call the police. Instead I packed up me and my daughters stuff and we left. I went to stay with an aunt and didn't say why. Please don't ask why I chose that. I don't know. I never went to the police with my abuse so it never crossed my mind. All I wanted to do was get my daughter away from him. I tried to contact my son but couldn't get through and after a few months of living with my aunt I found out my husband had filed for divorce and child abandonment. Things got very messy and had I taken her to the police right away instead of being stupid we could have gotten this handled but when we had to go to court over it his lawyer argued I poisoned her mind with all this stuff and long story short my ex was acquitted. He also got full custody of my son. My daughter was allowed to stay with me. My son decided he didn't want visitation with me and I wasn't able to talk to him and explain myself. Yesterday I knew he had a theater play he was putting on so I left my daughter with my aunt and drove to talk to him. I can only imagine what his dad has said about me but he told me I abandoned him. I told him I didn't. I would never. I was trying to protect his sister and he asked if that was true why didn't I take him with. I wasn't thinking. He said his dad already told him I never wanted to be a mother and that he's made my life miserable which is only half true. I never wanted to be a mother but my kids made my life better. I tried to get him to understand but he cried and said if I truly cared I wouldn't have abandoned him. I did tell him what happened to his sister and he asked if that's true why didn't I go to the police and again take him with. Why did I disappear for months. I didn't have an answer and he said to leave him alone and he never wants to see me again. I ruined everything. I've always ruined everything I touch. Had I not let my trauma kick me back into runaway mode my ex could have been held legally accountable and wouldn't have had a year to convince my son I had abandoned him and didn't want him. My aunt said all I can do is wait because he will be 18 and I won't legally be in his dad's custody so I can try again. I am such a worthless fuck up...

@Anna I'm not going into everything that happened with the case. We went to trial. He was found not guilty. I can't make a police report.