4th and last but not the same

Had my last baby on the 3rd. She is healthy and beautiful and my other kids adore her. She was one of my most frustrating pregnancies with all the sumptoms until the bitter end, right onto the OR table! Ive had 4 CS and my 1st was a bit traumaticbut that was because it was an emergency and i was younger then. My 2nd amwas straightforward and my hisband remembers how i said it was "so much easier". Not that a CS is easier by any means, but after going through an induced 15 hr painful labor, emergency CS from an infection, and then a seizure sent me to the ICU...my 2nd planned CS was like a dream. My 3rd CS i had a panic attack because that was supposed to be my last baby that my husband wanted and i jist coupdnt accept it. I was turning 30 and knew i wanted another, plus i had been hoping for a VBA2C...so i felt crushed going into the OR. But baby was healthy and it was quick. This delivery was anything but! We were delayed due to an emergency CS, which gave me time to relax any final anxieties,but i was ready for this to be my last. I had also requested my tubes be removed. For the first time, they had difficulty getting my spinal tap in, and i mean 5-6 times of being inserted and pain shooting down my left leg where my sciatica was. Another doctor went in and didnt give any warning and shot it in me, sending tears and pain ripping through me. Finally they laid me down and i knew it was different because i could move my right leg! My OR team was great and listened to me and my anesthesiologist was incredible at communicating with me. However, it never changed...i felt everything. It may not have been searing pain like feeling the edge of a blade, and not just the normal pushing and pulling. I had been completely numb with my previous CSs. I cried and was in agony the whole 1 hr. My anesthesiologist tried to keep up while they worked slowly to get baby out safely, as i ended up having a lot of scar tissue. Finally popped her out and i could breathe! She was so quiet and didnt cry but everyone was saying how big and beautifulshe was. Finally the end was near. It felt like another eternity of pain and tears. I could feel the sharpness of a blade every time my doctor was working to my right. Eventually my doctor gave me one option, go back in later to do my tubes. I was in so much pain and she coupdnt even get to my tubes due to all the scarring. My hisband immediatelyanswered for me since i was out of it and said he would get a vasectomy and to just finish me up! My anesthesiologist shot me up eith some amazing drug and away i went for about 15 minutes. Woke up still on the table, but then i was done. My OR team was amazing. They talked me through the whole surgery and listened to me, sometimes there are just things we cant control. My anesthesiologist explained that perhaps my left side numbed more due to nerve damage from my sciatica and that scarring can create a barrier that blocks out the anesthesia, hence why i could feel my right side. But its okay, but i made it through. My team made it. My husband was with me. My last baby is here safe. My story is not meant to scare anybody, it just helps me to reflect on how different each baby was. Glad to be done and spend the rest of motherhood raising my wild bunch.