Fuck chronic health conditions

I'm so sick of being sick. I'm so fatigued run down and miserable. We planned our family knowing I was ill but my mom was helping me. She can't now because she became paralyzed. I don't have a village. My husband works so hard to support us. I tried being a stay at home wife and mom and working and ended up suicidal from the exhaustion and flare-ups and pain.

Having our wonderful children put a strain on my heart and now left me with more chronic health issues on top of the ones I had prior.

I'm so run down everyday simple tasks make me pass out. Today I couldn't get out of my pajamas. I couldn't even shower because of the pain.

Today I had to cancel a procedure for my spine because we couldn't afford it because our well broke and we have no water. We can't go without water so I have to give up having surgery. We can't afford both. Because my prescriptions cost more this month we had to ask extended family for help for the kids sports.

We don't have help with childcare at all and we can't afford it. I'm considered too healthy to be disabled but too disabled to work.

I feel so guilty about our children. They legit are so little they don't understand why mom needs rest or how hard life is for me why I can't play or why I'm in crying all the time and all the doctors appointments.

When we planned our family I wasn't this ill and now I'm so full of guilt. My husband has to carry the financial burden and be both a husband and caretaker sometimes to me. I'm a stay at home mom and wife but some days it's not the level they deserve.

I feel like such a burden.