Just a vent.

I’m just here to vent a little. I don’t have anywhere else to go to talk about how I’m feeling. I’m a first time momma to the most beautiful little boy who just turned 6 months old. He’s my light and my entire life. I’m really only still here today for him. I lost my job because my car broke down and I can’t afford $1,500 to fix it. My husband just works, comes home, showers, and hides in his little computer corner watching videos or playing games. My mom doesn’t have much to do with me. Nor do my siblings. My dad’s busy with his life. I don’t have any friends. I try to stay in contact with people, but I usually end up ignored or forgotten about. I can’t keep up on my house work, no matter how hard I try. So I feel mostly useless because I’m not a good house wife. My son is starting to fall behind developmentally and I worry it’s my fault. He can’t roll over yet, he does have tightness in his neck from a rough birth that he’s in physical therapy to try to fix. But I still feel like I just don’t do enough for him. I’m not a very pretty woman, I’m very fat, and not smart. So I worry my son will be embarrassed or ashamed of me when he gets older. And maybe that’s why my husband isn’t interested in me anymore. I also have been struggling with my mental health and my husband and I argue sometimes and I think it’s pushing him away from me.

I just feel so worthless and useless. Like a waste of space. But I want to be here for my son. At least until the day he doesn’t need or want me anymore. I’m just lonely and sad.