Am I wrong for being fed up with my husband actions? Long detailed post

Hey everyone. My husband (32) and I (29) met in 2017 and got married in 2020 and now have a dog and a 2 year old son. In the beginning there were some red flags that I let slide. He gave me his phone the one day to show me a post on Facebook and I saw that he had been looking up his ex and other women from our area. We also rarely have sex and he goes soft at times and blames it on performance anxiety.

The one time I saw on his phone that he was looking up and masturbating to celebrities and porn, instead of being intimate with me. I saw that he looked up Jennifer Garner “tits” as well as other body parts of other celebrities and he looked up gifs and videos of Ariana Grande in her Santa Tell Me video from 2014 of her doing a split and shaking her butt. I also have to basically beg him to help me with basic house chores. He slipped up and said he has performance anxiety with me but he’d stay hard for Ariana Grande.

I have never felt so unwanted in my life. It’s hard because my mom doesn’t have much money and my dad isn’t in my life. I could try and move out and get an apartment but it’s hard, I don’t drive due to anxiety from a car accident in high school with a friend, so I am trying to start. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do.

I try to communicate with him time after time and he either goes silent or brushes me off like nuisance. I just feel like I shouldn’t have to beg for the bare minimum. He should just be open and honest with me like I am with him.

I am starting to get depressed and my anxiety has increased and I am having panic attacks again for the first time in years. I feel like I’m slipping into my old anxious self and it’s scaring me. I have a friend who said me and my son could stay with her but I would feel like a burden and my toddler is at the age where he gets into everything and she doesn’t have children yet. She also was very babied growing up and can get an attitude or get snappy sometimes. If my husband tried to communicate more and be honest then I’d try to work on it but it seems like the doesn’t care.

Also fyi the searching of women and porn wouldn’t bother me if we had clear and open communication and a healthy sex life . I also feel like I’ve lost my attraction to him in some ways, I don’t know if it’s due to everything he’s done? I find myself thinking about other men/sleeping with other men although I’d never cheat. Thank you for listening to my rant. He had me take his phone recently to look on google for dinner options and I saw that he was on Google incognito and it said gabby petitos friend rose, he also liked a Tik tok of Demi lovato shaking her butt. I made a joke because he said Demi Lovato was ugly in the past and he said yeah in the past….

It’s just unfortunate because overall he is a good guy and a great father. I just wish he’d communicate more and try to improve things with me but he just acts like everything is ok and avoids sex and instead of sleeping withe he would look up other women to masturbate to or lust after. When I try to get him to communicate he just says well what do you want me to say? He claims he doesn’t anymore but our sex life is like a rollercoaster.

I also don’t have a lot of money so it’s hard and my friend recently started dating my husband’s friend so it’s awkward. I also have my mom in my ear saying things could be worse. It’s been really hard and it feels like I don’t know how to start over. I honestly should’ve left years ago but I got comfortable and my mom was in my ear saying how I need to try to stay because other guys are worse etc etc. I am thankful for my son and our dog though so those are the two reasons I am happy that I stayed.

I know something needs to change and it just sucks that I have to try and leave because he can’t give me the bare minimum. It’s hard because I don’t have a lot of people in my life to turn to. My mom said my son and I can stay there temporarily but she has no ac in the summer and feels bad for my baby, and sometimes she increases my anxiety and can be toxic. I think my husband knows that I truly don’t have anybody.

TLDR: My husband rarely initiates sex and searches celebrities, other women from our area, and admitted to masturbating to them. He has also searched his ex. Goes on Google incognito to search women too since I caught him. Cried when I went NYC for three days with a friend in January and said a taste of me gone put things in perspective, but then he does the same stuff. He says what do you want me to say?