Will my other kids ever forgive me?

Question

I made a post yesterday about my DIL that wasn't well received even though I didn't say one bad thing about her. But it did get me thinking about my other kids. Like I said in my past post I'm estranged from most of my kids because I made terrible decisions and abandoned my oldest when she was 15 with her younger siblings and went to jail for it. I really want to reconnect with my oldest daughter but she doesn't want to. My middle son said he would think about it. The only one who forgave me is my baby. The youngest. He's 21 and married. He's the only one whoever forgave me which is interesting because I know everything that happened to all my kids in foster care. My other 2 stayed together while my youngest got separated because the family couldn't handle his autism. My youngest went through the worst out of both of them. He went through such horrible things because of me yet he's the one that choice to forgive me. I'm not saying I'm owed forgiveness. I just find it interesting.
Thing is I never feel like I can really be a mom to him because like I said it my post yesterday my DIL babies my son. It's still up. I don't dirty delete things after getting help. But sometimes how she speaks and treats him, she babies him at times. I do believe he's a little mentally stunted but I don't feel like I get a chance to redeem myself as a mother because at certain times it feels like she's doing the mothering. She seems fine with their dynamic. I was going to speak to my DIL about it but the comments recommended I didn't so I won't. I guess I would like a chance to step up and be a mom since he's the only one who let me back into his life. 
Back to my 2 other ones. My son still doesn't know if he will but my daughter is completely no contact. She's my only daughter and I've apologized and apologized. Told her I'm in therapy. Anyone who was estranged from their mom or any moms who fucked up. Did you come back around? Did they? What are the chances that my daughter will come back around. All I ask is comments to try to be kind.
@S I get that.  But what about my other children? Especially my only daughter. I would like to be in her life and I dont know what else to do

Answer

You need to accept the that you missed your chance to be a mother to all of your children. 
In your other post you mentioned your son has Autism and it seems like the dynamic between him and his wife bothers you because she acts motherly towards him. 
It’s no question that he has abandonment issues because of his trauma. He has found a person who loves him and gives him what he needs despite everything you have done. Just let him be happy. 
He is an adult and you are his estranged mother. Do not insert yourself into his relationship in an attempt to redeem yourself. Just be glad he is speaking to you and tread lightly.

Answer

I remember your other post. You can definitely still be a mom to your son , you just have to keep in mind that you are now a mom to an adult child who has a life partner. So mothering a small child vs an adult child is very different. 
Im estranged from my father but I did try to come around as an adult once I got married and had my first child. He made me uncomfortable with things he would say and I think the problem is that he doesn’t know me. Especially not me as an adult. Nor was he trying to get to know me. He’s still very much all about himself. So I stopped talking to him for good.

Answer

I have been no contact with my mother for about 6 months now. We had a very rough relationship while I was growing up and she was abusive towards me most of my childhood. Once I was 100% self sufficient our relationship recovered. We did a few months of family therapy and became super close. However my mom recently relapsed after close to 10 years of sobriety from certain substances. After that she went right back to her abusive tendencies. She physically assaulted me and then spend the next 2 weeks trying to gaslight me while I tried to navigate the situation and reach a resolution so I cut her off. At this point, it will take an act of god to make me want to talk to her or share any insight to my life. She’s offered me money, trips, nights out, material items etc and I refuse to accept any of it. The only thing i want is a unprompted, fully self aware apology. I’d love for my mom to take accountability and give any anything but  a “I was in a bad place” generic apology. She’s apparently sober again, but that’s not enough. 
Unfortunately, based on my experience, I don’t really think there is anything you can do to get your daughter to open up to being in your life. The damage is done and it is now solely on her terms if she wants to allow you back in. Once you realize you don’t need a parent, it’s pretty easy to keep it that way. Your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, and when it becomes apparent that they don’t, that’s pretty much the nail in the coffin. If you couldn’t be there for her as a child why should she believe and trust you to be there as an adult?

Answer

You really can't expect for the children that aren't interested or wanting you around to change their mind. My mom was a horrible mother and to this day parent. The cutting off began the same year I graduated in high school. I gave her multiple chances growing up and as an adult. Yet, the boundaries she crossed, felt entitled to, respect she didn't give/earn, contributed to the ultimate demise of our relationship. Too much damage has been done. There's only so much someone can endure and after they've been through so much with someone, being within their presence, seeing them, hearing about them is toxic enough. All you can do really is write her letters, messages, emails. But ultimately sounds like it's too late for her to want to entertain that. So. I wouldn't expect much, if anything out of that situation. Autustic kids are easily manipulated and too forgiving. I'd keep distance from that child as well because it takes several years for one to become aware of unhealthy scenarios/pasts. You really can't be a parent once they're grown. You missed out on the essential period. Yeah, if they're wanting a relationship, it might help but tbh it won't really much of a parent/child relationship btwn you and them. It's like you had to have earned your stripes and unfortunately you missed out.

Will my other kids ever forgive me?

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