Finally met!

When living through a nightmare with my last husband 4-5 years ago, I came into contact with cops, lawyers, magistrates, etc. to help my husband however I could when he needed understanding and support with what all was happening with him that couldn’t be helped. I developed a platonic relationship with one of these cops that has lasted until today, though it has not been completely platonic (but we’ve never met — it’s all been over text, video, audio, phone, etc.) since I lost my husband.

This cop and I have attempted to meet sooo many times over the years, but something always kept it from happening. Yesterday, we finally met in person, and we didn’t touch at all, but it is driving me crazy! This guy has been there to listen, to offer support through such a nightmarish time in life, and since then, periodically checking in on me just to see how I’m doing. I don’t know what I expected when meeting him, but I’m missing turns on familiar roads, feeling a fire in my fingertips and a twisting in my middle, and he’s ruling my mind like no one has since my second husband.

I’m aware of the psychological phenomenon of transference, and I’m not sure if it’s totally out of the picture. Perhaps it is a part of what I’m feeling now, or perhaps it’s been long enough since my last husband that it’s nothing about the connection we have through that shared experience…

Before continuing, please note that this cop moved across the country and we have not shared pictures, videos, or anything non-platonic since I told him I was with someone else. I’ve helped him with a resume and spoken to him only as a friend for more than 2 years now.

But, the reason I’m sharing is because I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than two years, and it’s the little things that have been driving me crazy for a while — I pretty much decided to break up with him last fall, and it’s mostly just been the apartment lease that has stopped me. Last fall, for the third time, my current boyfriend flippantly said we should go separate ways when the apartment lease is up, and I haven’t been able to let that go… even though he has changed this behavior since. I just can’t help but think, if another real-life nightmare would happen, he’d just up and leave because of this flippant attitude… I don’t feel that deeper bond with a romantic partner that usually comes with time and familiarity with him, and I’ve often been afraid that I would never feel that again (since my last husband). I’ve known for months that I will never marry this man, but I’m waiting for when it will be best received (I can see my boyfriend being angry about us splitting, and I’m a little afraid of how guilty I will feel over breaking his heart — it’s his first long-term relationship).

Since finally meeting this cop yesterday (and just talking), I HAVE HOPE again — I feel I am still, or again, capable of that deeper bond with another. I feel so alive! (Who would have ever thought that respect, support, and understanding could make me feel like that?)