Please don’t ignore, I’m desperate

Hi

I've just found out that I’m 7/8 weeks pregnant with my 4th. My children are 8, 3 and 1 years old. It’s come as a complete shock as I was seriously poorly that month and was only intimate once, 3 days before period was due.

I feel I’m in emotional turmoil and really need someone to help me pin point my emotions. My heart wants to be able to have this baby but my head is telling me that it’s not the right thing to do. Medically my gp has told me that it’s an extremely tall order and risk for my body and possibly baby. I’ve nearly died with each of my labours and haemorrhaged each time. My babies have progressively come earlier, 39, 38 and then 36 weeks. All of my babies have had to spend time in the picu due to breathing troubles and infections (I’m a group b strep carrier). pregnancy is difficult with numerous trips to the day unit to be monitored for hours on end and countless consultant appointments and scans. Aside from the medical aspect, money is extremely tight, myself and my partner are not in the best of places. He doesn’t help much with the 3 we have and hardly contributes to finances or household. I feel I’m already so stretched thin giving my everything to the 3 I already have that I’m terrified adding another will break me and all of my children will feel it. My logical brain is telling me I know it’s not right to add more but my heart hurts. I know if I don’t have this baby I’m saying never again. It feels like I’m being split in half. I know I need to put my children and my health first but I feel awful because I know I will love this baby so much. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared of putting my current situation on the line but I'm also scared I will forever regret not having this baby. Any and all input would be appreciated.