when love fades, should I fight for it? (part I)

my bf of almost 2 years has emotionally hurt me so many times. bc of his depression, he has cheated on me (by downloading a dating app and texting another girl on there while we were on a break bc of his mental health -- he never met up with her), he would ignore me or hang up the phone on me when he was upset with me, he would tell me that his whole family was upset with me when we took a break when they weren't, he would get upset with me and try to hurt himself so i would have his mom and sister on speed dial. the worst things that I have ever done in the relationship is ask for a break in our relationship (not breakups) bc of religious reasons and a break for his mental health. but i always assured him that I still loved him and we both agreed bc we both love each other, that we would continue our relationship after each break.

after he told me he cheated a little over a year into our relationship, I stormed out of his car and took an uber home. we immediately started dating 2 weeks after it happened and I wasnt healed yet. he blocked the girl when i told him to, and he went on his own to not go on social media much and unfollow all girls who posted flashy photos. I saw that this was a good change. within a little over a month, he gave me a promise ring on valentines day and I felt pressured and things were moving so fast. but i was too occupied with the idea of being lovey dovey on valentines.

then during month 2 since he cheated, he got upset with me and stormed out of church bc he was jealous of my ex trying to approach me and talk to me bc my bf and I wouldnt sit next to each other at church. I could not be mean so I just talked with my ex and tried to make a graceful exit when i could. it's not ny ex's fault, bc when my bf doesnt sit next to me for 2 months he thinks that we are broken up which is reasonable. I texted my bf bc he stormed out of church and he said he would meet up with me. then my bf ditched me when i said we should talk about it and almost drove home while i was waiting for him in a parking lot and he finally pulled up. he was so angry with me that he was accusing me left and right of cheating on him. when he finally gave me room to speak, he realized what happened and that I was trying to avoid my ex and that my ex thought we were broken up bc were not sitting together. so we agreed to come meet each other after service and talk to each other/show signs of affection so that others would know that we are together.

during that time, I felt almost numb with my feelings towards my bf, like I didn't take the relationship so seriously and love him like how i did before he cheated. I felt like if he left bc he threw a fit or was angry, I would be unaffected.

a couple of weeks later, I started feeling like I had mini crushes on other people which i have never ever had before in my life while being in a relationship (I am 28 and a christian!). I tried to resist those feelings. then I went to a christian conference, and met a lot of young and older christians and christian couples who were so passionate about God. I knew my bf is just a new christian while I have been a christian for a while, and I had this conviction that I would like to have a husband who would be able to grow and lead me in my faith in Christ, and who's knowledge of the Lord would be greater than mine bc naturally that is what i find attractive. then I contrasted that thought with my current situation with my bf. that's when I knew I had to tell my bf and be honest about what I was feeling.

I decided to talk to him about my thoughts bc I was not ready to give up on our relationship yet. I told him what I was feeling since he cheated (minus the mini crushes I had bc I knew that would break his heart), and he had very little patience and love towards me. I told him these things kindly and how I built up these walls of defense to protect myself and now, it has gotten me to this stage where if he would leave me, I felt like I wouldnt be affected and that concerned me. so I told him I wanted to let him know so that we could work on this together and figure out what to do. he was upset (and I could understand bc it is upsetting to hear!) and would name all the good things he did for me since he cheated and asked me if it was all for nothing. then he got really sad and called himself a monster. so I tried to encourage him and asked him to be patient with me bc I haven't healed yet and am so fragile rn. we agreed that we would check in with each other and keep on talking about it. he said he was heartbroken and couldnt talk anymore. he said goodnight and hung up the phone on me. I felt horrible the next morning, and texted him this:

should I fight for this?