I don’t really know how to start this but here it goes.. my heart feels like it’s been ripped out of my chest as if I’ve lost the biggest part of me.

my partner and I have been trying for a baby for over 2 years and just like that it finally happened. The best news in the world we could even wanted, but that didn’t last long. We carried our little angel for 8 weeks and 4 day and had no signs that anything was wrong. I had morning sickness like everyone else, tired all the time, I googled everything’s I was allowed to and not to eat and what I could do not not do now. Basically just making sure that everything I did would be safe for my babe, but no matter all the resource I did I was t prepared for what was to come next.

On the 8th week I woke up and had bad cramps, worse then period one but there was no blood so I still had hope, until they became stronger and stronger to the point I was rushed to hospital and that’s when I was loosing all faith.

Something was wrong 

I had so many doctors and nurses around me while I laid there in pain holding my baby as this might be the last time. We went and had our first ultrasound and that’s when i knew. This is the first and last time I would see my babe.

they told me my baby was in my tube 
and I was having an ectopic pregnancy. My world fell apart right there. Why did this have to happen to me. What did I do wrong, was I the reason this happens, did I eat the wrong thing, did I do this to my baby. All these questions would go through my head even tho every doctor told me it’s nothing I’ve done, these things just happen but that’s not how I feel.

this is my baby and I’ve let them down. My body couldn’t keep you safe and I don’t know why.

my heart still aches everyday and I cry for my little angel every night.. this is the worsts feeling ever and no right now I’m not coping but that’s ok cause my heart is still broken into millions of little pieces. But every time I think of you or see a rainbow I smile just a little and soon I know every time I smile I know you will be my reason and you will be watching over me.

but for now my little angel sleep well and your mummy and daddy love you and miss you so much.

I love you our little angel 
20th March 2023