Is this normal?

Question

My wife has ADHD and she has frequent anxiety spirals where she thinks about everything under the sun and feels doomed. There is nothing I can do or say to make her feel better. Watching her mentally torture herself is so hard to see. She pushes me away and takes me down with her. Before I know it we are in a deep argument (I think she looks to argue) and I am triggered and feel like I want out. I feel like she’s not on my side and approaches me from an opposing side always. It’s usually her way or the highway and I have no voice without argument. I feel cornered with no resolution and this happens too often. I don’t think this is normal and it doesn’t feel healthy to me. Idk what to do to help her or myself.

Answer

My husband has ADHD and so do I we have different types. He has the hyperactive one while I have the inattentive type. My husband like your wife gets episodes where he is just so negative. I am married since 25 years and it took me years to find a way to deal with it. What I do today is I don't argue with him when he is in a mood, like at all. I don't give him that space. I use that time to do things for myself. Like instead of watching tv together I go and read a book or go for a walk by myself, his energy is off and makes me uncomfortable so I give him space to sulk on his own. If I feel him coming at me I walk out and ignore him. I will just tell him no problem and then do what I think is best. Most often the arguments use to be so stupid and pointless anyway. Since I have started doing this we went from arguing weekly to maybe twice a year if even. I believe that being in a relationship with someone means adapting to our partners needs and strengths. I don't know how it is with your wife, but my SO also has phases where he is very welcoming to things I tell him. And it is then when I address things that are important. Like you say you think her meds do not work for her, that is something I would address in a "good" phase.

Answer

You should sit down and talk to her and tell her she needs to see someone or a doctor to get her anxiety and anger under control that is not a way to live your life sorry your going through this I know cause I’ve went through it myself and it’s not easy at all hope you guys can work it out and get professional help god bless 🙏🏼

Answer

You need to talk to her calmly, from a place of love and say you are worried about her and that she seems to be having a lot of anxiety and you think she should maybe consider taking to a doctor. I wouldn’t bring up the arguing part, just the anxiety or she’s likely to hear “we fight so you should take meds,” and that would not be helpful. 
I don’t get argumentative at all, but I don’t have the negative anxiety spirals and medication helps a LOT. I take it at the onset of those symptoms and it’s a lifesaver. I basically have it as needed so I don’t take it every day, but when I do it changes everything. My mom is still like that (I guess I inherited it) and I know how draining it is to be around her like that, and it made me go get treatment. Your partner is probably not aware how much happier she’d be on meds.

Answer

Is your wife in therapy? I’m also ADHD and black and white thinking is extremely common and hard to get out of

Answer

If she is already in therapy and on meds then I’d suggest marriage counseling as well or go to therapy with her so you both can learn how to communicate and the therapist can give suggestions to both of you on conflict resolution in the setting of adhd spirals. It’s helped my husband both cope with and both of us help each other when I’m having ptsd triggers and spirals. We aren’t perfect at it and fall into old patterns at times but when I can’t see what’s in front of me he can remind me of techniques and help me use them so I can get out of it without lashing out so much and hurting his feelings. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but when I feel in danger or catastrophize it is at the person directly in front of me.

Answer

Oh wow! This was legit me!! I haaaated my brain, I was stressing my husband out to the point, of damn near, no return. I was DOING this exact same thing, adhd as well, and a shit ton of self sabatoging. It was all taking a self worth toll on me, and mental and emotional stresser on my entire family. From unnecessary, STUPID, arguments, short temper/patience, impulsive financial choices, misplacing important things, forgetting doc appointments, having my kid late to school, half assing my job, pissing off my best fucking friends(time management and not being as readily available for them as they are for me), and much more. I really just wanted everyone to leave me, as trying to get others to understand I'm not choosing to be, or do, all of these negative things. I legit needed HELP, not anger, judgement, or to abandoned. 😣 We were all over it. I did some research, as I truly didn't want prescription adhd meds, due to all of the negative side effects, so I went searching for nootropics. I began taking, the "F'ing Focus" brand, Focus & Anxiety, along with this Lions Mane by Real Mushrooms. I noticed a MASSIVE difference in not only adhd, but anxiety, after 10 days. ADHD can cause increased cortisol/stress levels, especially if its gone undiagnosed, or on the wrong meds/dosage, which then creates a ridiculous amounts of anxiety, which is where I was, and your wife, it seems. I read up on Ashwaghanda and decided I'd give it a go, the Anxiety pills from the F'ing Focus brand. Again, took it for 10 days before I noticed it was working. It's now been about 45 days and I feel AMAZING!!!! My spouse and I are thriving, I'm excelling at work, even got my first bonus, fixing friendships, parenting with patience, zero impulse buys. However, I do sit around online window shopping daily, but never purchase, as its just therapuetic at this time. Lol. I'm still working on time related things, but I am doing so much better overall, and I pray that something I have said can help you and your wife, as it's definitely an uphill battle. 🙏 AS FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP? Honestly, my best friend did a ton of research, simply because she NEEDED to understand, so that she wouldn't continue making me feel bad for what I couldn't 100% control, so that she could find a way to not take my condition so personal, or consider leaving me high and dry. The day she told me she researched "HOW TO DEAL WITH A ADHD BEST FRIEND" was the day I bawled my eyes out, as everyone has heard me, but absolutely no one has ever cared enough about me, or my friendship with them, to research a damn thing. It just made me feel so loved, and worthy. My best friend encourages me to keep going and reassures me everyday that all of my small victories deserve to acknowledged and celebrated. Her just being vocal makes me want to continue showing up everyday and giving it my all. Without her geniune love, and support, I'm not sure what I'd do. I wish you both the absolute best. ❤️❤️❤️

Is this normal?

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