This shouldn’t feel like an obligation

Hey hey ladies, hope everyone is feeling good today and enjoying their pregnancies.

I am currently 11 weeks 3 days pregnant with my second child. I want to feel happy and overjoyed and I wanna shout it from the mountain tops about how excited I am but that’ll be a complete lie.

My partner and I have been dating for quite a short time since September 2022. Yes, I know time may or may matter when it comes down to love or whatever. But time definitely allows you to get a well rounded picture of the person ur dealing with. When I first met my partner, I felt like I was in a fairytale, he did all the right things, said all the right things. More or less he was giving, the closest thing to perfect. The majority of my friends and family took him with a grain of salt because he wanted to move so fast. Wanted to move my son and I into his house in less than a month of dating. From day one, he always told me that I was the person he wanted to marry. Like moving real fast. I spoke to my therapist about it who said if I was comfortable with the speed then to just go with the flow of things. So said so done. Seven months later, I am now pregnant and seeing this man in a completely different light. He gives emotionally manipulative. He gives emotionally abusive. He gives liar. He’s giving I don’t wanna be in a relationship anymore with him. Yes he provides for me, even bought me a car for Christmas. Pays my bills. But at this point, I feel like I’m losing semblance of myself. Before him, my mental state was on the up and up. And this is coming from someone whose been depressed and suffers from anxiety. I don’t want to go back into that hole. He has these demons and these insecurities that bringing a baby into this world would not fix. I don’t have the mental capacity to take on myself, my seven year old, a grown ass man, and a newborn. I feel myself spiraling and the baby hasn’t even arrived.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy, great attributes. However, his demons shine bright and I don’t think enough is actively being done on his end to improve his own mental. His actions are so triggering to me and it’s exasperating at this point. I don’t mind working through things with someone. Then again, that person has to want to change themselves or at least do better. And he’s been saying it, yet, nothing has changed that I can see. Lack of better words, the man is a nut.

Something in my spirit tells me that having this baby now is not the thing to do. So much so, I haven’t even told my mother yet and my mother knows everything about me. I’m quite sure she has an inkling of the pregnancy but I didn’t say anything and neither has she.

I have an appointment tomorrow where we will get an ultrasound and all that jazz. I’m gonna inquire about getting an abortion. I know having a baby now, would break me mentally. I know an abortion would break my partner as well but at this point, it’s really not about him, honestly and truly.

If you made it this far, thank you mucho for reading through this entire rant. I feel bad burdening my friends who have been immensely supportive. Just thought I’ll seek some words from some other moms and moms to be who may have been in a similar situation and what their thought process might be.