Vent: I’m getting divorced/blaming myself

My ex and I met a year ago. We moved fast. I thought he just genuinely loves me and was a passionate person. He needed a documents and marriage was the way to go. I thought we loved each other, so I accepted his proposal.

He was immature at times. A mean person, but said he was only nice to me. He would get angry often. Would always block me or say he was done with me, which hurt me and he knew it. I would always have to drive to him to make up. I accepted him for who he was, even if it meant taking the blame.

He wanted me to immediately leave my home and stay with him. We agreed to give me time to transition into his home, but deep down, I did not want to move away from my family. I asked if we could find a place closer to our new support group (my family since his doesn’t live in the country). He lived in a town 30 minutes away, and would tell me to just drive back and see them. My mother didn’t trust him. He didn’t like her because she is protective of me. But I knew I was his wife, so I was preparing to move away and was trying to juggle this transition.

3 months after our marriage, everything took a turn. He just stopped doing for himself. A once active guy just disappeared. Every time I would come over, I would see beer bottles on the table, food around the bee, an unkept bathroom, dirty dishes. He said he felt depressed because I didn’t move in completely. He gained a lot of weight, I still loved him. I politely would try to help motivate him to accomplish tasks and he would just say “tomorrow” or “I’m tired.”

We got into a bad argument after a night out. We both had been drinking. There’s been several times out when people would ask me if I was age with him. It embarrassed me. I snapped. Things got physical, I apologized for that. He left me at the place. I begged him to pick me up. He proceeded to call me the worst derogatory/racial names you could think of (he’s European, I’m black). I’m sure I was upset, but kept apologizing to him for what I had done (I scratched him accidentally). He back handed me. My eye is black, vessel popped, and someone I have marks on my neck. He drove us home to avoid the police being called after someone saw, told me he would kill us both, and I still protected him when the cops came. He told them I was the aggressor. He had a few scratches from my nails on his body, maybe a bruise or two on his body. I’m not proud of that. I’m not violent. This has never happened to me before. Me? Well, I can’t go into work because my face shows struggle.

Here I am now. Eating the guilt. He blocked me. Like an idiot, I tried to return to our shared space to see if we could talk it out. He threatened to call the police on me. He doesn’t feel safe around me. Once again, he is the victim. Me? I could never trust him with my body/heart. But I still feel I’m at fault.