I saw a post a while back about people who often wish they never had kids, I never ever thought I would find myself considering the same thing.

We tried for 15 months for our now 6 month old. So much work went into trying, so many tears were shed and we were devastated when we lost the first pregnancy. I always, always pictured myself as a mom.

But now that I’m here?

I’m at a loss.

Things have been difficult, hard, stressful and I feel like I haven’t got the slightest clue what I’m doing … like I’m just winging it the entire time and I hate that feeling. I hate not having control, not knowing what to do. I never considered the fact I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed, knowing what I know now I wish I had done so many things so differently in the beginning to make things easier.

He has days (like this morning) where he just won’t stop crying and I have no idea what to do next to help.

It’s been hard.

& during these hard times, I often find myself second guessing if this is really for me (not that I would ever walk out on my child), if I made the right choice. If, maybe I shouldn’t have been a mother. If I knew what I know now, I can’t honestly say that I would dive right in and do it all over again.

Out of anger and frustration, this morning I told my fiancé that I wish I was never a mother… I have regret saying that, like I failed him and my son but deep down I think there is some slight truth to it.

Then I’m torn with wondering and looking forward to what kind of person he’ll become, how he’ll be as a big brother one day. I look back on pictures of him and smile - not being able to wrap my head around how he came from me, how we made something so precious.

It can be a vicious cycle, being a mom.