Last night I took the first pill. The tears came instantly. I can't help but feel regret, this is not at all what I wanted to do. This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I did it for my children. I recently lost my job, we're at risk of being homeless soon, and everything is so unstable. Bringing a 3rd child into the mix felt irresponsible.

I did not have support. The father of my current children would be more than happy to take my kids away if I failed. He's been waiting for me to fail for years. I don't have support from the father of this baby either. He is the one who gave me the money for the pill and has been lightly pressuring me to do it. My dad voiced his opinion and made sure I knew there would be judgement if I went through with this. I have no close friends to ask for advice. I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

This baby was SO wanted. But right now is a horrible time. I can't risk being homeless with 3 kids. They deserve so much better than the life I've given them so far. It is my responsibility to do better from here on out. If I don't make improvements, then this would all be for nothing.

I have to take the next set of pills either tonight or tomorrow morning. I am not at all looking forward to this. I'm already so emotional and full of regrets. It's the what ifs that are killing me. Honestly, WHAT IF my situation changed before the baby came? If that happens, I know I'll never be able to forgive myself. I'm already not sure it's possible. I know there's "reversal" available, but I've already made my decision. I can't go back.

Please tell me this gets easier. Please assure me I won't hate myself for the rest of my life...