Wanting a baby…

I have had 2 miscarriages but the last one fucked with me more then the first…

I am terrified to get pregnant again (because of miscarriage) but.. all I want is a baby

that has me thinking about what I have to offer a child like what would I even be able to teach a child? Would I even be a good mom?

My boyfriend is amazing he is a let it happen when it happens type of person and was very excited the last time we thought I was pregnant last month he kept asking if i was having morning sickness and he was being very sweet to me about it the whole time… i would absolutely love to share the experience of raising a child with him…

It would be such a blessing…

But.. I keep having dreams where I have a baby next to me sleeping and I feel at peace then I wake up and it isn’t there… obviously… and it just rips my heart out and messes with me for the rest of the day… and that is all I can think about….

so idk what to do…. It is really fucking with me and I feel crazy….

This would have been the month I was due with the last baby I miscarried so that also might be triggering me more… idk… I am so conflicted and feel so impatient but I am trying to trust that god has a plan or something…