Idk what to do..

Ok so idk how I can explain 9 years of situations here.. But I'm pretty sure there was a lot of financial abuse, emotional abuse and a lot of manipulation.

I have often communicated things that needed to approve. I begged, made and printed charts, I cried (which he called manipulation) and I did tell him that if nothing would approve, I would leave. For 5 years He'd tell me that things would be better soon and there's light at the end of the tunnel because we're doing xyz better, but then 1 month later that would be completely down the drain.

So last year I opened a new private account to save on so I could leave him, which he accidentally found out through the mail.

We had a couple of rough chats, with him changing with the wind. Taking some accountability at first but then turning it around on me. I told him several times that I don't want to be together anymore. currently we have seperated accounts and a joint account for mutual bills. I feel a lot better and I've been able to save quite some money.

But I was already set on leaving and I can't seem to find mental peace in staying. His behavior though it's been up and down the last year, between blaming me and accusing me of cheating and begging me to stay and asking me what I need to stay.

With me saying several times that I really want to leave him. Which once ended in him threatening to kill himself, saying his final goodbyes to our 3yo crying, and taking off with the car. Came home a few minutes after me calling emergency services.

Now lately he seems to be pretty ok with me leaving him, but he wants me to stay in our house (my preference being max 1 year and his preference of 5 years, we met our consensus on 2 years, which I think is a crazy amount of time to live with a manipulative ex.) so that we can both save up and seperate successfully. I am pretty ok with that because there's 4 kids (1 ours, 3 with his ex) involved whom I love very dearly. I don't want to leave him in bad papers knowing their basic needs won't be able to be met.

Dating others would be ok, but idk who would be ok with their gf living with their ex still, either way that's not an issue at this point.

So while I feel I've been pretty clear that I want to seperate, he's still grasping at straws, asking me what I need, what I wanted for my life after him, to then giving me alternatives for everything I want. Saying that if I want to stay, we need to meet in the middle somewhere. and now he's constantly pushing me for an answer to "be clear about what I want" While I feel I've been clear. we have actually agreed on some rules of how we're going to do things co-existing while being seperated, I don't see how he's still wanting me to be more clear.

The only thing that can be confusing is that we still spoon in bed and have occasional sex. (was in our agreement that this was ok as long as no possible new partners were in sight) we still sleep in the same bed, but we were planning to sleep seperate, we don't have seperate beds and sleeping in the living room isn't really an option due to our work schedules and there are no seperate rooms left.

Anyways.. so he's on new medication (supposed to suppress anxiety / anger?) and it hasn't been so hard co-existing. We've actually had a few good days. But while I still care about him much, and don't want to see him hurt or don't wish anything bad for him. I really don't have the love for him anymore.

He wants me to try and get it back.

He also claims that I'd be a bad mother to not try to get the love back. That statistically children are better with the parents together etc..

Sorry this was all over the place and it's not really a question.. I'm just really confused.