who’s wrong? long post!

Question

long post so sorry thanks for reading if you do! 
in FL so husband is off work for a few days for the storm. He was playing with our two year old while i made some lunch, and our two year old accidentally kicked him in the balls. he freaked out and yelled  G** D*mn and F*ck and jumped off the couch and went to the bathroom and slammed the bedroom door and the bathroom door so hard the whole house shook and a picture frame fell off the wall. Now im a woman so i might not full understand how bad it feels, but my son has cracked me in the head with toys or bit me and even knocked a candle off the counter on my foot that busted and covered me in glass(just to name a few there’s many more instances where he’s hurt me too) and i have never reacted like that. i may take a second to gather myself or need to walk away but i have never screamed and yelled and slammed the doors like that. So obviously i got a little upset because, my kid was scared and upset. he didn’t know that it hurt and he didn’t even mean to kick his dad there. i honestly don’t even know how the argument festered from there but when he came out of the bedroom i said i understand he hurt him but it’s not okay to act that way regardless and all he kept saying was i don’t understand i don’t understand which sure i don’t have nuts but nothing in my eyes excuses that behavior after a baby accidentally hurt you. and i said if you were too for whatever reason get hit at work, you wouldn’t act like that.. would you? and all he could say was he wouldn’t get hit at work. Anyways it got escalated from there pretty much bc i said it’s obviously illogical that you’d get hit in the balls at work but the question is if you did for whatever reason would you act that way and he just started screaming and yelling at me calling me a narcissist all while holding our 2 year old, plus i’m also 5 months pregnant. i’ve told him before we don’t need to fight in front of our kids, both sets of our parents always fought in our childhood and it really messed us up in a lot of ways, and we still struggle from it to this day(obviously) and that if we cannot stop and find a common ground on how to handle disputes or disagreements or inconveniences in another way then we do not need to be together. and he attacked me and said i’m not happy anyways i’m miserable nothing he does can ever make me happy and he’s made it to where i haven’t had to work in two years, and i’m ungrateful so i can try to find someone else that’ll make me happy and take care of our kids but it’s not gonna happen and i’ll be sad and miserable and raising two kids alone. 
Which i am miserable, that’s true. I do not have to work a job, that’s true. But we are currently living with my in laws, who treat me as their maid. It would probably be less work, working a full time job and putting my son in daycare. I make everyone’s beds in the morning after they all go to work, round up all the dirty clothes, start the washer, round up all the trash from bathrooms and dishes from around the house, then make breakfast for my son. Then i take the trash out, do the dishes, put baby down for a nap, fold and put away the laundry, sweep mop and vaccum the house, and then after baby gets up we make lunch and play til everyone gets home then i cook dinner. give baby a bath, put him to bed THEN i eat and clean up dinner and finally go to bed. If all of those things are not done every single day by the time someone gets home i am lazy, ungrateful, and i don’t do anything but sit on my ass all day. i also keep the dog and cat(neither are ours) all day and feed take them out and clean up after them also. so again it’s all true i don’t work and i am miserable, but who wouldn’t be? i’ve become a glorified house keeping service to my husbands family. It was supposed to be temporary, and we only moved in to help her catch up with her mortgage as she was days away from losing her home, and our lease was up anyways but it’s been over a year now. 
i used to have crippling an anxiety issues, and had to take serious medicine, but once i got pregnant i stopped taking it for my sons health. i didn’t have an anxiety attack the whole pregnancy or after until now. but after the argument i excused myself because i could feel it coming and i don’t want my son to see me that way, so i went to the bathroom(without slamming any doors) and broke down and i was hyperventilating and throwing up as one does during an anxiety attack, and he brought our son in there and just stood over me asking what the fuck is wrong with me and why i’d do this to myself and ask if i think it’s healthy for the baby i’m pregnant with to be hyperventilating like that and just belittling me for having an anxiety attack pretty much. i could hardly get any words out to say please get out but eventually he left the bathroom and left me to calm down on my own. He came in the bathroom and said “we can’t do this it’s not healthy for our kids and it’s not my fault or your fault it’s both our faults we really need to work on it for our kids sake” and i said i’ve been telling him this anytime we have an argument for weeks and he just asked if i was okay for him to leave as he had plans with his friend. and that was that. So i’m just laying here with our napping son wondering where i even go
from here because he’s right it’s not healthy and i truly don’t feel myself or our kids deserve this. i don’t think i’m wrong, i might’ve said some things i shouldn’t have but at the end of the day i was just trying to protect my son from the things i never got protected from.
what do y’all think? am i in the wrong? is this silly to leave him over if i’m the one who caused it?

Answer

A lot of this sounds quite toxic. You aren’t appreciated, and unacknowledged. And his response to getting hurt was certainly over the top. Everyone reacts to pain in different ways, but to the point that you’re knocking pictures off the wall, that’s too much. My son has caught my husband in the balls on accident before, and he may quietly say “fuck” under his breath while cradling himself a bit, but that’s the extent of it. I think you guys need to A) get into couples therapy together, B) set boundaries with your in laws that you won’t take care of their stuff (beds, laundry, trash cans, etc), but that you’re happy to help with the communal areas and your own spaces, and C) set a move out date with your SO, because it sounds like a lot of this is stemming from the housing situation.

Answer

When someone is in the midst of freaking out is NOT the time to start harping on them about it. That conversation shouldnt have happened then and there. If he doesnt otherwise cuss and get belligerant, I wouldve let it go and chalked it up to a fluke situation. Usually afterwards people process it and then realize it wasnt the best move. And Im very strict about cussing and screaming, but still, cut him some slack. If he tends to do this or you really felt like something needed to be said, Im still not sure why it needed to be right then or in front of your kids. Talk about it later once the moment has passed and hes had time to decompress. Thats adviseable for most situations where someones reached their limit. Regarding your living situation....yuck. As a SAHM I do most of the housekeeping, but not all of it. And I dont get accused of laziness if I didnt do something. And Im not sure why his parents get their bills paid AND housekeeping on top of that. All adults should contribute to the household responsibilities. Yes they work and you dont, but you also have kids to care for which is a job in itself. And you should sit down at family meal time. What would happen if you just stop doing everything? So they may get annoyed....oh wellzers.

Answer

You deserve better love, you couldn’t pay me to treat anyone like that! Least of all my pregnant wife. Or my child. It’s manipulation at its best. You are strong and independent it’s fuckin hard to be alone but needing mistreated or undervalued is worse.

Answer

So I just want to say if my husband reacted like that I would give him half an hour to an hour to calm down (I’d ask him if he was ok when he came out, does he need any help, does he want some time to himself, etc) and once he has recovered I’d talk to him privately and tell him he needs to be careful about his language. I know my husband would do the same for me. His reaction was wrong and unless he does it often I’d cut him some slack. I’ve also lost my temper with the kids. And afterwards I felt so guilty because I knew I was wrong but if he’s a decent man he should be able to talk to the kids afterwards about how adults also sometimes find it hard to control their temper and he was wrong and he’s sorry.
As for the other things you mentioned I wouldn’t really stand for that. Maybe he was upset that you were angry for his reaction earlier and being catty? Is he always like this? It sounds like afterwards in a roundabout way he felt bad for what he said? If you feel it’s always like this and you are done I guess it’s time to start thinking of an exit plan, but if you want to make it work and you say you can afford your own place I’d tell him the first thing you want is to move out. You can’t work on your marriage when you have your in-laws on top of you and are treated like a maid. Maybe I’m lazy but I’d never do personal rooms at my in-laws or parents house unless they were disabled. It’s not your job to clean their rooms. Because you ARE working a full time job even if they don’t see it, AND you are pregnant. I’d stop doing so much for my in-laws if I was you, clean up after your family but not his. And from what you said you are doing them a favour by helping out with their finances, not the other way around! So you don’t owe them anything.

Answer

I think when you are strong and ready, youll leave.  Go to counseling.  Im going through something similar for the 2nd time. Its miserable.  You will be happier on your own

Answer

You are not wrong. A man who is compassionate and that loves you would NEVER allow himself to treat you without compasion and tenderness when things get difficult. Sure couples fight and disagree but to make accusations and call you a narcissistic when you are simply stating your case and opinion is absurd. Your body seems to be physically rejecting him. 
I went through something similar in an emotionally abusive relationship. I loved him so much and when things were good they were GREAT. But when this ga were bad…. They remind me of your husband. There was explosive anger followed by no accountability for how his actions had an effect on others. Followed my asking me why I’m upset when he’s yelling at me for simply asking him not to behave in such a way that’s detrimental to the people around us and myself. 
He is BOT ready for marriage he has a lot of introspective work to be done. I feel you stated your case in  mature way. You empathized with him but also tried to use logic and validity to your point…. And he yelled at you? Huge red flag. His family NEEDS you and takes advantage of your situation and kindness.
I hope you choose to leave and find a way out. I believ you are miserable, but it stems from the way that you are treated. When it’s just you and your baby, things may be hard but there’s only love and trust. Without all the toxicity that comes with being this man’s wife( fighting yelling arguing and a lack of appreciation for the WORK you do at home.
You deserve better and I know you’ll find it WITHOUT HIM 💕 all you need is you your babies. Help is out there and I know you can and will do what’s best for your family! No matter how long it takes always be kind to yourself, leaving is the hardest part.

Answer

Fuck this guy. Seriously - I understand relationships are complicated and we never have the whole picture but he lacks serious empathy for you. To bring your son in the bathroom when you’re having a moment is the shitty cherry on top. You sound isolated and self conscious. Leave, go live with a friend or family member, and create some distance. You’ll have more clarity and can look at your relationship with fresh eyes to see if it’s worth preserving or not.

Answer

No… just no. My dad has babysat my 3 kids and my brothers 3 kids. He has been hit in the balls countless times. Of course on accident. My niece just turned 2 and just did that the other day. It’s happened to my husband and my brother from the kids as well. Never intentional I mean come on they are at that age and have no clue it hurts. They all 3 say “oh f*ck” as they say fhe F word it disappears before it’s all said but never have any of them gone off cussing and slamming doors. We ask them if they are okay and once the pain is gone they always somehow laugh about how it even happened. We always explain to the kiddos that they have an owie and to be careful doing what ever they were doing. Hell my 5 year old still manages to get my dad every now an again when she gets on his lap or crawls up to give him a hug when he’s sitting. She gets a reminder to watch out for privates as she’s old enough to understand that hurts. 
I would have reacted the same way. I’m sorry but that’s totally uncalled for. As he came out I woulda asked if he was okay and what happened then said something about his behavior.

who’s wrong? long post!

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