Scary relationship

I know you guys are going to want to shake me and scream at me to leave but hear me out….

I need to leave my husband. I NEED to. But I am having such a hard time pulling the trigger.

My husband is a horrible husband, but plays it off like he is a great guy. He is a high functioning alcoholic who has a great job, way better than mine. Because he is a high functioning alcoholic I cannot prove in court that he is drunk every night. I have no proof!

And man, do our kids LOVE him just the other night he needed to run to the store to get some medicine. When he shut the door to leave my daughter screamed bloody murder like she had been hurt. She screamed and chased him down the driveway because she was going to miss him too much. She was hysterical🥺

My daughter has HORRIBLE separation anxiety with both of us.

But if we split I NEED to get majority of the custody because he is terrifying. He has not hit me…. Yet. But a few weeks ago he became very randomly suspicious of me being on my phone and started a fight with me. He was drunk and raging. His eyes were even terrifying. He ended up ripping my phone from my hands and smashing it in our driveway.

I had no way to contact anyone for help. If he did anything to me I would have no way to call for 911. I was absolutely scared for my life that night. I locked myself and my kids in their bedroom (they were asleep and unaware) and stayed up the entire night in case he tried breaking in.

Once we finally decided to start talking again I gave him the ultimatum that we divorce or seek counseling. We both agreed on counseling for the kids… but I’m not even sure I want to try. I am literally only staying with him because the thought of my daughters having to stay at “his house” alone while he drinks makes me sick to my stomach. What if he freaks out on them?

I feel like I can’t divorce him to keep my kids safe.