TW SA, SUICIDE, SH

Hi, I’m 20 years old. I want to give some back story first when I was around 9 to the age of 11 I was being sexually abused constantly by my auntie who did all kinds of things to me as a child. (She’s got away with it, there was no evidence, she’s happily married with new kids and IM SUFFERING) I grew up and I was very sexually active, unfortunately I got to know someone at 12 who was 19 and when I was 13 he was 20 we had sex and I actually became very sexually active and it was always with older men. ALWAYS. I feel disgusting even typing this like I feel so disgusted in myself for engaging in so much I was constantly being used, just to feel loved. My parents also found out my mum tried to do FGM on me but I told a school nurse I thought it was normal but she had to go family court for it. I kinda wish I did get it maybe then I would’ve stopped having sex. I was constantly beat up badly by my family so I’d run away and stay with older guys quite often as I had no where to go and no friends and wanted love it’s all I ever wanted I was just scared to go home too I did end up going into care at one point but I carried on my behaviour😞

Guys would get with me, then leave me for another woman which happened most of the time where they got into a relationship with an older woman and left me alone again or were in relationships the whole time.

I was even in a domestic violent relationship at 17 but the guy was 20 I knew him on social media for like 2 years though before we met first time and got together and he was so nice but this was when I was in care at the time in the UK my social worker found out police got involved, they froze the evidence for 2 years when he forced me into sex and abused me beat me up. at SARC. A clinic they examined me and they froze it all there I did go to the police and he did get arrested but I dropped the case no one did anything about my auntie why would they care now. TBH I loved sex. I am very forgiving and I give too much. My last relationship I was 19 the guy was 32 he stole £3000 off me my student money I got into uni but I dropped out as I was so so depressed he left me for a woman and is now in a happy relationship with her I always see them on social media and it’s broke my heart so bad but then again I’ve never ever ever not been cheated on it’s my fault I always get left I don’t know what I do wrong i don’t know because i do everything every relationship it’s always me spending money just so they can love me

I have been diagnosed with EUPD CPTSD and OCD and with the EUPD I am doing DBT twice a week it’s helping but now I’ve started regretting everything

I feel DISGUSTING

like FILTHY.

How was I having sex so much so young like I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusting knowing these guys hands have been on me but what’s worse is the CPTSD.

Even when I was sexually active I always did something where I couldn’t help but I’d close my legs tight during sex especially missionary and block them from having sex with me without me realising and almost every time I’d have the guy saying why are you doing that and it would put them off and it would make me feel bad but I couldn’t help it.

Now everything’s changed, I’ve gone to hating sex, even the topic even now I feel sick. I got into a relationship with a guy recently and we had sex but he told me to get into doggystyle position which was very veryyyyy triggering for me it never has been? WHY NOW. I have started getting way more flashbacks than before and I told him I can’t he kept saying no we will and he did anyways but then I started crying and he stopped and said “I’m never having sex with you again” and we broke up but now he’s came back saying he changed and he’s understood but

I PHYSICALLY CANNOT HAVE SEX

Like it puts me in tears

I know it looks weird from an outsider point of view because I used to be sexually active but I don’t even know myself why? I don’t know I can’t have sex now like why’s it hitting me now I’m 20 I’m an adult I should be stronger but I’m even weaker and I feel like I can never get into a relationship because of this

How can I be more comfortable.

I don’t want to talk about it in DBT I do group and face to face but the thing with DBT is I’m very suicidal I OD’d in October and I self harm often so they said I can’t talk about other things until I stop the self harm and suicidal behaviour because it is classed as “therapy interfering behaviour” and also I feel embarrassed

I just don’t know

I know there’s other stuff more important but all I want is to be loved i don’t care about anything else i just want love I feel so lonely and I can’t get love if I’m not giving the guy sex no one will ever want me ever and I feel so disgusting but it’s like I have to otherwise no one will love me and it’s not like I’m a virgin and I’ve had sex many times before like I said I used to love it I was like a sex addict and I’d even masturbate all the time lol every day now I haven’t in months it knocks me sick I get hit with flashbacks like crazy but I need to be comfortable and confident

Is there any advice sorry if it’s triggering and sorry if I sound bad I don’t mean to I made so many mistakes I feel awful I regret but I want advice I’d really appreciate it thank you so much if you have read sorry if I have triggered any body