Worst dream of my life! Plz read

There was nothing I could do and the cops didn’t come. I called TWICE! I’ve had nightmares before but this was..OUCH! Truly haunting. Maybe a wake up call.

SI/SU attempt trigger warning ⚠️

Background: I’ve been struggling with depression for a while now. Nearly in silence. I was hospitalized over a year ago. Sucked, 1star review on Yelp. Anyway the ideation has been getting to me REALLY bad and my therapist who I see weekly is aware and we work on it.

My mom died some years ago from natural causes, cancer. They gave her 1 year and she got just that. She passed at home in the hospice bed. She was my whole heart. I am at peace with her passing and I’m glad she is no longer in daily agony.

THE DREAM: in my dream my mom had cancer BUT unlike in reality, she was suicidal and adamant about hanging herself in the garage. I tried so hard to reason with her and talk her down. Even physically I tried to pull at her to stop walking and preparing and moving things to the garage to stand on😰. I called the police and begged for help while also trying to stop her. I put my phone on speaker in my pocket and talked to them that way. I pleaded more with her, begging and crying and wailing. I felt EVERYTHING like it was real. In real life, where I am from the cops don’t always come and if they do it would be hours to a day later. When I saw I couldn’t physically stop her, I ran to the bathroom and called 911 again to report and ask that they dispatch police and paramedics because she was going through with it. No one came. She did it. I couldn’t bare to open the door to the garage door all the way and see her fully. The. My dream flashes to a sheet covered over her on the floor of the garage, emergency lights flashing and and me on my knees covered in snot and tears crying out “whyyyy whyyy!!?” And crying to the cops that they came too late. This felt SO REAL. End of dream.

THOUGHTS: anyway, I share this because 1, it was scary as hell and I gotta tell someone and 2, I think this dream was meant to be a wake up call. My husband told me when I was hospitalized how scared he was and how he cried everyday but I didn’t really get it and I didn’t really care (at the time). I figured he had never seen someone have a little too much cough syrup and sleep all day and he just panicked and spiraled and drove me to the ER 😒. But yeah I f’d my kidneys and liver and it could’ve gone south. I was fine after days of IV flush.

In the dream tho, I think I was personally experiencing the pain that others who love me would feel IF I DID follow through on these dark thoughts. This pain was the worst. See in real life when my mom passed it wasn’t like that. What made it painful in the dream is that she CHOSE to leave despite the pleading and wailing. I felt defeated and shattered. I’ll take the dream into consideration. I have no set plans to end my life, but I also have little motivation to continue. Therapy is my bare minimum move and maybe I build from there.