I told myself I wouldn’t get my hopes up until 12 weeks because I know the statistics. But I’m terrified and devastated. My US showed baby at 5 weeks (we thought we were 8 but my period has always been irregular). I feel like as soon as the doctor told us not to tell anyone before we confirm the pregnancy is viable, I just got a horrible pit in my stomach. I tried to ignore it, and told myself it was just anxiety and that wasn’t good for the baby, but I’ve been spotting even before my US.

It used to only be a little bit of pink, during BM, so I just thought I had a sensitive cervix (and my doctor said I was just constipated even though I don’t feel like I am). Now it’s every time I go to the bathroom even without BM and it’s red/quite a bit heavier. Still nothing yet that’s on my underwear, I’m definitely not filling up a pad or liner, and I haven’t had any cramping at all, but I feel like it’s only a matter of time (it also generally goes away immediately after but I feel like the last few days it’s stuck around for a few minutes). My pregnancy symptoms haven’t disappeared, if anything they’ve been getting stronger but I feel like they’d probably only fade after the miscarriage is over.

My husband is completely emotionally unavailable. Tonight I was crying pretty uncontrollably (it’s the first time I’ve actually allowed myself to cry since the shock of spotting the very first time) I sat up so I wouldn’t choke while crying and he just rolled over and tried to go to sleep. We were both awake so it’s not like he was already sleeping, and he wasn’t even all that tired. I get that he doesn’t always know what to do, and he’s been working in therapy and we’ve figured out that he has a pretty delayed emotional reaction to a lot of things. But I feel completely alone and powerless.

(I’m not going to take up this whole post about the last few years of our marital struggles, suffice to say that he knows he has shit to work on in himself and is in therapy doing the work to get better, it just doesn’t make moments like these any easier when I need him and he isn’t capable of being there for me in that way)

Anyways, if anyone has encouraging words or an experience like this that didn’t end in miscarriage. I really just need some hope right now and I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow or Monday so I can hopefully get seen. I’ll add in here that I’m also obese, I don’t really know why I gained so much weight so quickly, I have theories and I’ve been trying to lose weight and be healthier for years but most especially after I stopped taking birth control. Every time I tried to lose weight I just seemed to gain even more. So I blame myself quite a bit for all of this, telling myself if I wasn’t fat I’d be able to keep my baby safe. I wish I could say I knew that wasn’t true, but I think I genuinely believe it is.

I’ve also been thinking it could be SCH or a cervical infection, but it’s late and I’m tired/emotional, and I’ve been having this horrible impending sense of doom since Friday (when the spotting got heavier and lasted a bit longer). I’ve been too scared to test and see if the line is lighter but I think I’ll do that after I post this.

Thanks for listening, i know it’s ramble-y, I’m just emotional and scared.

Edit: I took two pregnancy tests and an ovulation test (because I heard a positive ovulation test can mean a miscarriage but google says it could just be picking up on the hCG because it can’t differentiate)