Why the fuck do I feel like this…

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years and have been really good friends for several years

I absolutely love this man he is my best friend and I am so thankful and excited for this baby

I have PCOS and endometriosis so we didn’t really think it would end up happening for us… but now that I am pregnant.. I have been very excited from day one but the weeks are going by very fast already and I am so stressed out and anxious there is so much to do we just moved across the country and are trying to get our shit together… he is taking his time to find a job (which I get because he worked 7- 10 hour days on his last job) like the baby isn’t on the way he is supportive of me and is an amazing man and I am/ was so excited for our little family but shit needs to change… I am about to get my own place and offer him 50/50 custody and no child support I want him to be a part of the baby’s life regardless of how our relationship is… but one minute I want our family the next I am so disgusted and am like wtf how did I allow myself to get into this without getting our shit together first and then I am like keep your mouth shut right now because this is probably just the hormones because this was not an issue before the pregnancy…

He says as soon as he finds a job (which he is looking) he wants to get married but everything is happening way too fast and that has been my dream to get married to him and we have always talked about getting married but the pregnancy is fucking with my hormones so bad I don’t want to make any decisions like that right now and I don’t want to be fat on my wedding day…And we were planning on eloping so I figured it can’t hurt to wait until after the baby is born because then we can make it exactly what we want…

I feel so crazy right now I have developed a stutter since being pregnant I can’t think I am so scared to be a mom and all of this is just so overwhelming and I am so stressed out about everything I don’t know what I am doing and before getting pregnant I wasn’t having issues with any of this stuff and what makes it worse is I know once I have the baby the stress and anxiety will only get worse….. and I feel like such a piece of shit for having these feelings because i have wanted a family with him from day 1 and I am so thankful but so scared I don’t know what to do