I'm so fucked up....I'm so heartbroken....I just need to get this off my chest. So I had an ex s few years ago that like I think I truly fell in love with, first really lesbian fall, and I thought it was perfect like couldn't ask for a better moment in my life. There were things they happened that did make me question things but later on when we were noong together we talked about them, I saw a different perspective. Kinds settled to compromise on a lot. So in current present time we did try getting back together, we were both talking to someone. She said she would always be there for me and be a friend to me and we could still be friends but we definitely were talking to people, well the person that I was talking to eventually said that she didn't want me talking anymore exes well me and my ex just so happened to be in a heated conversation about some of our past problems. Sadly, this conversation escalated to a unhealthy point and I was actually going to meet the girl I was talking to for the first time and I didn't have enough time to make the situation better before I left so I blocked her and tried to send her messages letting her know that I wasn't liking the direction that the conversation was going because it's shown that she was throwing a pity party for herself instead of actually understanding the different perspectives on the situation I also included that I still loved her I always loved her and at this point in my life I don't think I could ever like not love her anymore like it's just there right now. So we ended up not talking anymore for like maybe a month and in this time it was a huge slap in the face that the girl that I was talking to was like a big distraction I spend a lot of money on seeing her she seemed very controlling I feel like I was giving so much of myself into a relationship that wasn't even completely labeled yet we were just still trying to get to know each other to see if we could be together in the future well obviously me and her are no longer talking so I contacted my friend/x and had hopes that maybe we could be friends again and I could talk to her and just tell her how dumb I felt that I kicked her out of my life or hopes of something that didn't come also she did tell me that she was okay with me talking to this girl and her not being in my life anymore if that's what it meant for me to talk to her. Well turns out her and the girl that she's talking to are flourishing of course they are, and what's even more interesting is that the one thing she told me she would never do she couldn't do it she could never see yourself doing it was being a poly relationship and now she's dating a girl who has a husband and she's sharing somebody something that she literally said she could never do when we had talked about being poly because when I had met her I had just left a poly relationship I didn't necessarily tried to convince her that it was something that she should open her mind to but I definitely try to let her know that there were pluses to it and I felt that her personality and who she was would be able to handle that and at the time in our relationship it drove such a wedge in between us that she said she literally shut down and stop wanting to pursue me just because she had made up this story that I was never going to be with her because I would only want to be poly. It was such a huge slap in the face because I had explained to her all the different dynamics of poly and trust and maturity and just all these things and she was just so negative about it and I am just absolutely so crushed I can't stop crying her words won't stop echoing in my head about how she could never do this and I just feel like I wasn't good enough that she wanted to do it with me that she decided to do with just some random person and then it made me feel like I guess I just wasn't good enough in general. I'm so hurt I've been crying for hours and I feel so stupid.

P.s. when we started talking again in the present her mom was going through some health issues and in that time she kind of leaned on me as a good friend and because I missed her and loved her still I was there for a friend for her, when I realized that the chick that I was talking to wasn't for me and our relationship wasn't going to work so I went back to my friend in hopes that she would be my friend she literally told me that she couldn't do anything for me. I don't remember if I said that or not but if I didn't yeah.