I thought I could numb my brain for a while but I still wonder where you are. The you I knew. Are you gone?

So much shit has happened over the last 2-3 years. Sometimes I just want to break down: sometimes I just want it to be you listening and no one else. Sometimes I wish I could just lie there in that room with a million books and posters that made me uncomfortable and just talk to you.

I wanna tell you about how hard it’s been at work. I wanna tell you about the 3 miscarriages. The failed fertility treatments, and the gaping hole in my heart from it. I wanna tell you about the job I applied to and didn’t get. And how sometimes everything doesn’t happen for a reason.

I wanna tell you about all the realizations I’ve had about my family. I wanna tell you about how I’m trying to find myself now at 36. I want to tell you about my son and my husband. I just want you to hear me. I want you to listen. I want you to internalize it. I want you to know me as a human. From one freaking neurodivergent individual to another. I want you to understand me. There’s just so much shit in my head rn and I wish I could talk to you but I definitely can’t because it would be disrespectful to my relationship and nothing productive would actually come out of it.

I think it’s a neurodivergent thing, I think it’s an autistic thing. It’s just so hard feeling like no one understands me. and just because someone understands you on a deeper level doesn’t mean they should necessarily be in your life or are a good person. You should not be in my life nor are a good person.