My husband has changed ever since having babies. His own childhood trauma with his mother came out. He was treated so differently from his twin brother who was clearly and still is clearly favored along with his children and no affection was ever shown. It is sad but being with me I poured love into him and we had a fairytale. Well he emotionally cheated and sought out texting someone else when we had our first son in 2022. He said he didn’t mean to but felt I was now busy with the baby and his mother was never around didn’t come to hospital to see baby (or our second one 17 months later) but went for her other grandchildren and is with them every week. I found out and he said he would stop and it continued. Found out as I was pregnant with our second. It now stopped and instead of being compassionate and showing me love he has too much blame and guilt and it’s like he has to find things with me to blame too. We tried marriage counseling only 5 sessions because he wasn’t putting in the work. I have had to heal without his help of compassion and reassurance. Well it’s a rollercoaster he says I start arguments but honestly it’s like the spark is gone he never wants to hang out with me when kids go to sleep (1 and 2 yrs old). He goes on his phone and watches movies or falls asleep most nights. I am a Sahm and feel he resents me even though he says he doesn’t. He doesn’t do any housework as when he would unload dishwasher I morning while I was nursing our baby he would complain that I was leaving it for him. Meanwhile I never asked him to do it. He would say he wanted to help then throw in my face.

I do it all now cause I don’t want to hear him. He says I cause arguments and am “negative” but it is because I react and respond to his negative critiques and questions. He has problems with how I open the blinds …. So much so he told

Me recently “are you trying to annoy me with not having them open like this?!” And then opens them more. “You like to live in a dungeon” or he was on a business trip and came

Home after a week and asked if it’s bath night I said yes. He asked “did you even bathe them while I was gone?” It is so insulting. Obviously !!!

Also the other day he opens the fridge and sees leftover green beans and says “do you even use leftovers? What did the boys have for lunch??” I always use leftovers sorry this one time I didn’t.

He has no issues calling out my parents and when he is annoyed with them (because they are present and so helpful in our lives for our boys and his mother is not) he has no issues to tell me when “you need to tell them to stop calling around bedtime it’s family time. If you don’t I will” so I tell them set boundaries for him. But when he gets upset about his mother I tell him he needs to tell her how hurt he is and try to talk and he gets so mad at me and yells at me to stop!!! In front of the boys even the other day so much so they both jumped at the dinner table in their seats I had to pretend daddy was joking.

I want our boys to grow up around two loving parents like what we had….. I tell him I need to be able to tell him when I am hurt with what he says and he blames me for always causing arguments. I tell him I need compassion and gentleness. He says I’m a broken record. I asked him to do therapy he needs to heal if not for him for his children. He said he would then now he says no it’s a waste of money.

He says comments like “what did you even do with the boys all day?” Or when we go out then he complains “I’m the only one who cares about nap time it seems. You don’t care your parents don’t” meanwhile they always get a nap and yes we love routine but one day out of the week when I see my family naptime is pushed back an hour but they still sleep and sleep even better at bedtime.

Idk anymore. He says “I can never do anything right for you” and I say “noooo I can never do anything right for you. I don’t critique and nag you. You do to me all

The time.” I feel like he never is truly lovey with me and the passion is gone. I tell

Him “men have needs … it’s been 10’days you are always watching movies on your phone or fall

Asleep right away…. He says well it is always arguing but i think about it. And when he does it is like a business transaction. Just like no romance etc.

Am I having too high of standards? I know what I had and of course now we have children but to me you should still want to some days reconnect and hang out with your best friend? He used to always live to be with me before kids couldn’t wait.

I think even though he says no that there is so much resentment he has for me with me being stay at home.

I am don’t want to live this way. I got upset that he went out when “I caused an argument” (meanwhile it was him and me reacting to his not nice words) he told me to shut the fuck up and he went to hooters in a work night around 10:30’and told

Me he spoke to the waitress about life and he told her marriage is hard ……. I was upset and he told me to stop.

Help? Are his questions and criticisms not right or am I being extreme? I don’t know anymore. I’m confused. I don’t deserve this and if it weren’t for the boys I would not have put up with this and have been fighting for our marriage.

I also know he didn’t have an affectionate mother growing up and now the treatment of our kids is reminding him of how she was with him. He also didn’t have a dad. He divorced the mother when they were babies and was not in his life. He doesn’t know what true mother father roles look like …