My husband is verbally and mentally abusive (was physically abusive in the past, 12 years ago was the last time he hit me) and I’m still afraid to leave him. Not because I think he’s going to harm me in some way if I do leave him, but because I think I will miss him. Not the abuse but the good times, I’m so used to calling him for everything and although it doesn’t always turn out the best, I guess it’s comforting to know that he’s there. I know this is just because I’m severely codependent on him but I’m still afraid that I will miss him and maybe even in some ways he might miss me.

Today he yelled at me and cursed me while I was on the phone with my mom. She was taking to me trying to figure out what was going on and he could hear her because my phone was loud and he started answer her questions but still yelling at me. I ended up having a mental breakdown while I was on the phone with her. I asked her if I could move back home with her and he yelled out “move back home, I don’t care”.

I know this is sick of me to think this way and I’m trying to convince myself that I deserve better. My grandmother tore my self esteem all the way down when she was alive and now I can’t seem to think I’m worth much of anything. He also pays all of the bills as I don’t work and threatened to stop paying the mortgage because I didn’t listen to one of his commands pertaining to our daughter playing in water.

If you’ve been in an abusive relationship and thought like me, how did you convince yourself to leave once and for all?