So, the backstory here is that I've had a LOT of abuse. 25 years worth. I was severely gaslit to the point of believing that I was psychotic for several years. And then as an adult, I was in a DV situation. So sometimes assessing these types of situations is really difficult. I'm really hurt right now, but I really don't think I should be. I'm still healing and still feeling very raw and fragile, but I'm making progress.

So anyway, this whole thing is so stupid. I was at a point in my healing that I decided that I wanted to start dating soon. I went into some online lesbian communities essentially in order to practice these types of interactions again and get back into the groove of being flirty, single, sexy, etc. I've been very isolated for eight years now, so I figured I was rusty.

So, usually the interactions are very surface level, like I said flirty, not too deep or long, etc. So this masc girl says that she's basically demisexual and emotional connection is very important to her. So we get to talking and we're really hitting it off. Mind you, I have VERY high standards for myself and it's very rare that I actually like someone. But this girl had it all... She's in law school, plays multiple instruments, nerdy just like me, and tallllll. I made it known that I really liked her and we were flirting back and forth. And she was actively engaging very deeply, asking questions about my family and all kinds of shit.

So a few long, deep conversations later and I say something regarding taking the conversation somewhere else and she says no due to professional reasons??? I've had online friendships develop in the past, so I guess I just assumed that that's where we were going? Idk I was really pissed that she let the conversation get that deep while knowing that I was really feeling her and knowing that she didn't want it to develop? Like maybe communicate? But at the same time, I do feel like I am absolutely way too upset about this and I really shouldn't be this bothered by a random online interaction? Idk. Like I said, I feel like I'm still healing from everything I've been through, which I can't really help. It's not her fault that I'm really fucking sensitive right now, but at the same time, I just feel like when you notice that someone else is developing feelings faster than you, maybe communicate ahead of time? And like how long was she going to let that go if I didn't say anything and then decide to back out? I feel like she's straddling this line of getting her needs met with no regard to how that affects other people? Idk. I'm really hurt, but I feel like it's completely irrational and I absolutely hate that I'm acting like this 😔