My mom had my brother and I at a young age. She was 19 and 21 when we were born. Her and my dad had a troubled relationship. They separated when I was about 2. Everything from there is pretty much a blur. I know she went to jail for a bit, she was on drugs, she was homeless for a while, she was with so many random guys and sketchy people, meanwhile my dad had full custody of me and my brother and got it together. My childhood was full of love, my dad was and still is a great dad and he tried his best to shield us from the pain of my mom not being there. However, we still felt it. We were aware that she was gone, that she was unwell. There were a few times we got to spend some time with her and while I was excited because she’s my mom and I love her, I always felt nervous and scared. Anyway, she started getting better and by the time I was in high school she was living a relatively normal life. She had a part time job and had met a great guy. I loved him and I was happy for my mom. I got close to both of them. When he got diagnosed with cancer, she stood by him for years throughout his battle, however, she eventually left him and admitted to someone that she missed sex. He pleaded with her to stay, she was his all. He later died alone in his apartment, which used to be their apartment. I was absolutely angry with my mom and her selfishness. After this, she went on to date several men, men who are no good, abusive, gang related, into drugs and excessive drinking. She was getting into trouble and taking advantage of family members trying to help her and support her. My brother has zero contact with her. She’s never met his daughter who is about to be 5. Most bridges have been burned. She’s now homeless again…

She thinks that I hate her because I won’t let her live with me but I’m only looking out for the best interest of my two young children. She also thinks that I hate her because of her past and her not being there when I was a child. Time and time again I’ve told her that I love her and that I have forgiven her for everything, but she’s so angry and so stuck on thinking that I hate her. She recently told me that she wants nothing to do with me and it hurts. I’m reliving my childhood.

Only I’m able to acknowledge that she’s hurting and that she’s struggling.. I can’t help but feel partly to blame. I think she feels guilt for how she was when we were children and is stuck on thinking that I hate her (this could be partly because my brother has told her that he resents her for her past and causing him pain). But I’ve ALWAYS made it clear that I forgive her and love her but it’s like it goes one ear and out the other.. she doesn’t hear me.. I feel like I’m talking to a child when I try to have a serious conversation with her.

I know this sounds selfish considering that she is also struggling but I’m in so much pain. I cry often because I wish I had a relationship with her.. a normal one. I see people doing things with their mom like having lunch, or getting their nails done, or their hair done and I can only dream. I can’t even watch a movie with mother and children relationships without bawling. It’s like they open up wounds.

Even something as simple as hugging my mom felt foreign. I remember I used to try to be affectionate with her but it felt like she felt awkward. Or like she just didn’t know how to be affectionate.

I don’t know how to heal. I’m tired of feeling this way.