i will start by saying i love both of my children more than anything in this world. i would do anything for them and i would experience all ive been going through over and over for my kids if i had to. but i am truly struggling. i have been since my son was born. i had a traumatic birth experience that i wont get into plus my son has brain abnormalities and was in the NICU, he was there for 2 weeks and i started having issues a few days after birth once the adrenaline went down. i thought it was just the baby blues and it would go away. it hasn’t i’m 3 months pp now. it’s only gotten so much worse especially the rage. i’m raging multiple times a day. i feel like i could run away or hurt myself or somebody else ( not my kids ) i am very depressed and i am miserable. i am so overstimulated im so over touched and my daughter is 4 and she has horrible behavior & it’s been this way before i was pregnant and brought lil bro home. i have tried everything but im pretty sure she has ADHD but her ped wont listen to me. my home life is horrible and it’s not from my child’s father. my partner and i have ran into a lot of bad breaks since having our son it’s been one thing after another. our car was stolen and they recovered it but the kids who stole it set it on fire so there was quite literally nothing left of the car. not even an engine. we didn’t have good credit to begin with and our insurance lapsed a few days after the car was stolen so we figured to leave it alone VERY DUMB RIGHT I KNOW but now we can’t pay off the loan cuz no insurance and it’s been a fucking disaster. plus he lost his job and he got a new one BUT with a pay cut for the time being while he tries to find something else so we had to move in with my mom temporarily till we can save and get tax refunds WELL — he left for work one day now she refuses to allow my partner to come back home.?????????? for reference i just turned 25 so not all my shit is together unfortunately. anyway i tell her i didn’t plan to do this alone. and im struggling im miserable i want to hurt myself i need help i cant take anymore and she sees me rage out multiple times a day but she completely refuses to allow him back and help me. my daughter is asking for daddy she misses him and wants him to come back, she says this to my mom and my mom says nothing. my heart breaks for my daughter, my son is losing his bonding time with dad. my kids father is perfect he would help me with anything and everything. he is a very active father and i’m blessed for that but how can he be???? if i wasn’t experiencing ppd with rage i could really wait till we got our own place again but im not able to right now. i am not mentally okay at all. my mom has always hated anyone ive ever been with, she was not a loving affectionate mother she bought mine and my siblings love with material items and money. she is spiteful and she is bipolar. my mom sees and knows how bad i’m struggling but is that petty she is doing this to me. i am at a loss of what i should do i am also exclusively pumping and honestly it doesn’t bother me much but i got a blister on my right nipple a month and a half ago and my nipple hasn’t fully healed at all it’s only got worse now it’s fully scabbed and looks so nasty and is very painful it’s hard to heal when i’m constantly having my nipple wet from milk and yanked on by a pump. i don’t want to quit pumping it really doesn’t bother my mental but the pain does and on top of everything else i feel like i am going to rip my skin off. or i just don’t even know but i do know i am constantly in a rage. ive been begging my mom and partner for help. my partner can’t do much cause he isn’t with us anymore. i was doing much better before she did the bullshit she did. struggling but manageable but now it’s very very bad. i cant take anymore. i feel so guilty because this is not who i am this is not the person i want to be this isn’t the mom i want to be and i stay strong as i can everyday at least depression wise to make it seem like im okay but im not. i guess that’s why she doesn’t believe me or want to help me i guess i need to have a full on mental breakdown in order for her to listen to me which isn’t okay. my son has tons of appointments with so many doctors, im either pumping or washing bottles or holding him he doesn’t like to be sat down, he just got over being colic it was very rough im talking 5+ hours of crying at a time. i survived but im not able to now. i’m drowning it feels like i can’t even breathe anymore. i’ve told her multiple times im going to hurt myself. im getting no sleep my son is finally sleeping longer stretches but i can’t because because im pumping around the clock & my 4 year old won’t sleep she’s up all hours i tried melatonin gummies approved by her doc but that doesn’t work anymore. i just feel so guilty and ashamed and hurt whenever im done raging and see my precious babies faces. i love them so much and they deserve so much better. i’m really feeling like i am going to have a full blown breakdown if something doesn’t change. i’m in therapy but it’s only so much she can suggest. i just needed to vent. i want my partner with us so bad. i can’t do this without him he is my rock and he takes on so much financially emotionally and physically for the sake of me and our kids. i don’t know how to get my mom to understand how bad it is for me, ive said everything to her and she sees with her own eyes. even my daughter mentioning her dad daily like i dont understand why this lady is so evil and miserable she wants me to be this miserable until i really hurt myself bad or something else happens. she may of had to do it on her own but i don’t and i don’t have to be struggling the way i am. i am so heartbroken and ashamed i just wish i could snap back to normal but i cant ive tried so hard. i love my babies so so much and they need me to do better but i have no more fight letting me i really dont.