I still have a hard time processing that he left and it’s been almost 5 months,

After our first child I went through REALLY BAD post partum depression and anxiety.

I could barely function, sex was non existent, I was breastfeeding and co sleeping so I could actually get some rest since I’m the primary parent and he left most of the parenting duties to me since he worked so he decided to sleep on the couch for damn near a year. Which I told him was a bad idea.

As we welcomed our daughter and adjusted to parenting life our love dissipated.

I was so depressed, I hated where we lived, I had no friends or family anywhere near me it was all his side.

I was exhausted from being inside 24/7 but it took at least 25 minutes to get anywhere since we lived out in the middle of nowhere, the doctors didn’t help me when I finally told them I had PP.

It was fucked up.

Then I ended up pregnant with our second, surprise! About 3 months into that and me trying to talk him into moving somewhere better and in between both my family and his he left me.

Started talking to other girls, refused to come back because I didn’t have sex enough and was no longer affectionate. Which made him resent the hell out of me and honestly he wasn’t very nice anymore.

I made the decision to move back to my home state since I was alone out there I needed my support and my life has gotten abundantly better! I have therapy every Friday, friends around, doctors really care about helping me, places to go! A month after I moved our daughter turned one and he had reached out and said he wanted to work things out, come see us and see if he’d like living here, I was willing to forgive him talking to other girls and leaving as long as he hadn’t physically touched anyone, he said he didn’t but I could tell things still weren’t getting better.

I asked him to screen share his phone, and the amount of other women I saw on there shattered me, he refused to let me read the messages. My heart shattered again and I said I couldn’t try again.

I’m now 7 months pregnant, single and even though he treated me like shit and every other aspect of my life has improved I miss him,

I wanted a family so so bad!

He claims to want to come visit our daughter on Christmas, asked to stay with me, says he doesn’t know if he wants to work things out but probably not because he doesn’t want to leave his family and friends to live with someone that he had to beg to sleep with.

I’m just so lost as to what to do, part of me hates him and I’m getting angry, the other part of me misses him, the before him that was nice and didn’t blame me for everything.

Everytime he FaceTimes our daughter he flirts with me and constantly asks if I’m seeing anyone, but acts like he doesn’t want to get back together so why would it even matter if I was?

(I’m not, obviously got too much on my plate rn. But sheesh men really don’t seem to care if you’re pregnant or not!)

Anyways I’m trying really hard not to harbor hope since he abandoned me when I needed him most, now I’m a single mom or 2 under 2 and TERRIFIED.but it’s hard not too. And if he actually comes to see our daughter I’m scared he’s gonna break my heart all over again.

😔