TW domestic abuse, venting

I need to vent but really don’t have anyone to tell because this is embarrassing!

I’ve been with my child’s dad going on 4 years coming up. We have one child he’s 2.5 years old and autistic. So things for me are already a bit complicated for me, like the struggle is real most days.

Now his dad, I will say he’s a real pos dad and boyfriend. I’m terrified to leave my son in his care. It’s impossible for my health physically leave my child and be okay with it. He doesn’t pick up his knives or anything. I DO IT ALL! Anything that will harm my child, I clean it up. I take my son everywhere. All his dad does is maybe hang out with him for 20 mins but his eyes are always shut so I’m not sure that’s hanging out…he doesn’t teach him anything and I’m just done. 2 days ago he took my car to the meijer drive thru pharmacy window and hit something and my mirror cover came off so I was like okay that’s not a big deal. Until he was like yeah the girl in there heard it and asked if the car was okay but I told her I’m sick I’ll deal with the car later. The issue is, if it was that loud…something else is going on. I was driving my car today and it just felt like every small bump my car is like hitting the ground, something isn’t right. So he got mad at me because he’s sick and didn’t want to be questioned, so he yelled at me and grabbed a full can of peanut butter a smaller can but it hit my right boob and I have a decent sized bruise there now. I’m not excusing him but he isn’t the physical abusive type. Normally it’s verbal, mental, emotional.

Anyway I been working on getting this apartment it’s based upon your income because I can’t afford nothing on my own.

Now, I’m getting scared to live on my own part time with my son. I’m not sure what to do because my son’s dad has a history of domestic abuse. I tried breaking up with him so many times, he said no. No im not leaving, no he’s not paying child support, and I’m not taking his son from his home he’s known since birth. Then it’s my son is his nanas purpose in life, meaning he keeps her alive.

Now to back track to more as to why I’m scared to move on.

His ex girlfriend had moved on from their relationship, she was hanging out with some dude and my son’s dad kicked the door in and beat his ssa.

Sounds delusional on his part but like I feel stuck in some way shape or form and I’m legit scared to live on my own. There’s no protective order that could change my mind either.

My family isn’t really in the best position to let me in. They would, but I’m sure we probably wouldn’t get along much but I could be wrong. My dad is impossible to live with but he has room. My mom is better to live with but she don’t have much space.

I’ve gotten pretty deep in this but like I said, I’m scared. He had no problem throwing that full jar of peanut butter and think if that was my head. He wasn’t aiming it just went where it went. I’m also epileptic.

How am I in denial? I know things are not okay and I’m trying to get out the best and safest way possible