Severe depression and anxiety first trimester

Hi all~

Just looking for opinions or to see if anyone is experiencing/has experienced similar. I know things regarding mental illness are difficult to understand, especially to those without experience. I've dealt with multiple mental illnesses for years, but I feel like things have been intensifying and that I have been declining since I've gotten pregnant. I have been on multiple medications over the last 10+years, none of which have really helped, most recently going off of them as of 3-4 weeks ago due to them being a high risk for birth defects, but am in no way pro-medication to begin with.

I am 24, and currently 11 weeks. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder, and am constantly on edge worrying about everything, mostly fear of dying lately because of being short of breath, dizzy, extreme tension, disoriented, etc, for long periods of time (not panic attacks). My motivation and energy is zero and I have trouble getting out of bed or getting anything done, or even attempting any coping mechanisms. I know I am highly ruled by emotions typically and as of late, and I know many people have said it's the pregnancy hormones etc, which I know can contribute, but I don't feel that my feelings or struggles are at all brand new, or directly related to the pregnancy.. I have had a history of heart palpitations, which have become more present since becoming pregnant with blood volume increase etc. Doc also mentioned a slight heart murmur recently too, which is new, but reportedly normal. My stress is constant and high, and I worry about my health failing and body not being healthy or capable enough to get through this, and myself dying, despite any reassurance from doctors. Even when I don't know what to do and do end up going in, they tell me it's anxiety and brush it aside, which it very well may be, but it's still all very real and very scary for me. I have attended counseling for years, without any notable progress. I'm only able to work very part time hours currently on account of my depression/anxiety and the extremes of both currently, so finances are strained to say the least. Due to some recent life changes in the last 1-2 years, I am currently staying at my dad's house, which is also a tense and strained situation which only heightens my discomfort. I feel entirely at a loss and overwhelmed by everything lately, I feel very scared and unsure of how to cope with my symptoms and how to continue. Feel uneasy being alone at work or home in case something happens. I don't really Have anyone that understands and can offer any advice or suggestions that I'm not already familiar with. It's just so incredibly draining and frustrating to deal with, I know the stress is not healthy for me or my baby, which in turn makes me more stressed, and I hate having to go through this every day, and am managing the best I am able. I'm scared to even fall asleep for fear something will happen or that I won't wake up. I am so intelligent and capable besides the things I struggle with, it's frustrating that I feel it goes to waste when I get really bad. I feel hopeless and defeated too often. I could go on and on, but I won't. I just hope someone can relate. On the plus side, I've had no spotting and only one day of vomiting thus far, which I'm grateful for. I had an ultrasound a week ago and baby looked good as far as growth, and was very active. Sorry for the rambling, trying to go to sleep and wanted to try and put it into words to see if anyone can relate at all.