Open letter to myself

I feel like this is one of the only avenues where I can write my feelings and not be judged but also hold myself accountable .  Life for me has always been hard and I have always had to be stronger than I've felt . When I was 5 my dad broke his back in a work related accident and became addicted to pain meds ultimately my mom cheated and they divorced it took a huge toll on my dad and he moved in with my grandma after it happened . I spent most of my time with my grandma by chocie because my parents had so much going on she passed away at 65 to colon cancer when I was 11. Subsequently my family fell apart as my grandma was the glue holding together the complete disfu croon . After that I watched my dad slowly kill himself through his addiction feeling helpless embarrassed and angry with him for his choices . I had the malt amazing dad my whole life my friends wished they had a dad like mine and then he fell apart he lost his battle with diabetes and with his addiction a week after my 18th birthday . I struggled with dealing with the loss feeling like I could have done more to help him I grew to be very angry with the other adults in my life his brothers mostly for never lending a compassionate or helping hand to him even through his pain and addiction he was the most loving and giving person I have met in my life . I struggled for years after he died trying to make sense of everything I never talked to anyone about it out of shame I felt that if I admitted how he made me feel people would think he was a terrible person and dad when he truly wasn't . I met someone when I turned 19 and he was the only person that's ever come into my life that made me feel like there was nothing to be ashamed of that this was my life and these things happened but that it's made me such a beautiful compassionate empathetic person. To say he was the love of my life would be the greatest understatement he made me a better stronger person I felt like finally someone came into my life and just loved me and wanted to give instead of take . Unfortunately three years after this person came into my life and changed my world he passed away suddenly at the age of 22 while on and family camping trip of an enlarged heart he left me with so much love that it gave me strength to get though loosing him I went through the motions for months and finally made the choice to move to the town we had planned on living in alone and start the journey we had planned by myself . In that time I truly found myself I was honestly proud of my strength and impressed by my resiliency I refused to allow what happened to him and to us ruin my life I know it would have killed him to know I gave up . I was fortunate enough to meet someone 2.5 years later and I never thought I would be so happy again we dated for a year and I found out I was pregnant it was the best news I had ever heard in my life and just four weeks later I went through a miscarriage . My relationship slowly declined after I know we both were dealing with depression and trying to find ourselves again and I fought very hard to figure out why this was happening but he had emotionally and physically checked out . We weren't intimate I felt like I had been loosing him for over a year and I woke up one morning and told him he had to leave . He respected my feelings and asked if we could go to counseling together but at this point I was so done feeling alone and uncared for and expressed why I was hesitant in hopes he would understand and reassure me but instead he decided to stop speaking to me and say very cruel things before we got off the phone . Days after he was on Facebook complimenting girls and acting as though life is just so ok without me as I am home or out with friends feeling like my whole world is crashing down around me . It's been six weeks and we have not spoken and I am writing this to remind myself of all the hurt I've gone through that was not my choice and that if I choose to allow him back in when he tried eventually to get back into contact with me that I will be choosing to be unhappy and I've gone through way too much to continue to put myself through hurt I don't need . I kno this is long but hopefully my story will help someone I have been struggling and need to hold myself to giving up on him and the hope I had for our relationship . If anyone had any positive advice on how to continue on my path of growth and healing please let me know .