Husband not sexually compatible
(Long post. Help please!)
My husband and I have been married 8 years. We didn't have sex till we were married. I didn't know he was addicted to porn, till a couple years ago, and he has since quit.
We are having such a hard time sexually. We both think sex is important, so we have never stopped having sex. But we want 2 very different things. In the beginning of our marriage, I couldn't climax, so he got a lot of bj's, or whatever he wanted to get him off. It made me happy to do that for him. It made me frustrated to try to climax, so I gave up for a while.
After a few years, I mastered climax in every way. We read some books, and he got really good at making me squirt and come over and over. And he really enjoyed it, obviously. Well after a couple years of mind blowing sex, he tells me that I'm selfish, and he is doing all the work, and I never dress up for him or give him BJ's any more. I was shocked bc we were both having such a good time. I had no idea he felt that way.
Somewhere in there, I learned he was addicted to porn. He quit using it. But I get really upset when he asks me to dress up for him, like a porn star. He told me to buy my own lingerie, so I did. Silky and Lacey, he didn't like it. He wants fishnets and heels and schoolgirl outfits. Even wigs. And bondage. It upsets me bc the only reason he likes that is bc of porn. He was aroused when he saw someone else do that. So that's all I think about. And I have to fight back tears when I'm trying to enjoy my husband. And I feel humiliated. He has also told me he wants me to get a boob job, which I'm not opposed to bc of how small I am after kids, but it still upsets me that it means so much to him that I have huge boobs. Bc he wants me to look like a porn star.
So I've communicated that with him many many times. So now he says sometimes he will "do all the work" to please me, but sometimes I have to return the favor and do it the way he likes. I think that's reasonable, but I have such a hard time emotionally doing what he wants. I've started having sexual aversion, the thought of having sex with him sometimes makes me sick. But I never stop trying.
He also says he wants me to initiate sex, so I would tell him early in the day "let's go to bed early." And he would get in bed and get on his phone. So I would usually sit and look at him, letting him know he has my attention, and I'm waiting for him to put it down. Or I will snuggle up to him and caress him while I wait. But sometimes he would never put it down. So I gave up. So I tell him "you never put your phone down when I'm trying to initiate sex" and he says "awkwardly staring at me is not initiating sex!" So I say "what do you want from me? How is sex initiated?" And he says "if you want sex put my dick in your mouth. That'll get my attention real quick." Which I tried once and he barely got hard. He stayed on his phone. He thought it was funny to have his attention torn between me and his phone. So I told him I will never never suck his dick while he is on his phone. If he wants to have sex he needs to act interested in me.
I've been trying for a few months to dress up for him, and initiate sex, and give him things he likes, but he doesn't seem to be enjoying it as much. Last night I was trying to kiss him before a bj, I was dressed up, and he said my breath smells. So we stopped. He said the whole thing was awkward. He told me in the past that I'm bad in bed. So I've been trying harder to be more active, and he tells me I'm awkward. And I never thought I was bad in bed.
So now we have this convo all the time. We can't seem to have sex that we both enjoy. Neither of us know what to do. I'm considering therapy for myself bc I feel a lot of negative emotions around sex, and it's getting worse every time we try.
While we are in the middle of sex, I really enjoy it, I can let go and have great orgasms. But initiating sex is hard for us. He always says "what do you want to do this time?" When we start, and sometimes I don't know! I just want to have sex, why does it have to be planned out ahead of time?
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