Bittersweet Pregnancy
I really don't know how to even start this post so I guess I'll just dive right in.
My boyfriend and I are 18 weeks pregnant today and just found out we are having a baby girl. I have been yearning for this day and dreaming about this beautiful (and thankfully perfectly healthy) baby girl for as long as I can remember.
I lost my mother to illness when I was only 13 years old. Her absence definitely played a part in my teenage and early adult development but fortunately I was blessed with a dad who was so amazing he seemingly took on both rolls without ever losing sight of my late mom. He was always striving to make her proud and allow us to honor her memory in our everyday lives - he raised my younger sister, younger brother and I playing both parts of the mom and the dad. From juggling the first days of high school to prom dress shopping, getting our periods (that was a fun one), wiping away our tears from broken hearts by boys less deserving, teaching us to drive and all of the everyday challenges in between it almost seemed as though my dad was born to do this single parenting thing.
In September on 2014 dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I knew now it was my turn to be taking care of him and was more than happy to do so. We sought out to find the best treatment, doctors and plan of action that we could to do whatever we could. Unfortunately just a few short months later in February of 2015 my dad lost his short but brutal battle with cancer.
I have struggled with the thought of going through this pregnancy without him since I lost him. I feel almost guilty that today is a day that for me is filled with more sadness than happiness. We just got confirmation that our baby is healthy and right on track in terms of growth and development and learned that we are expecting a girl however, I can't help but be upset knowing that she will live a life without getting to know either of the people that made me who I am today.
If anyone has had a similar experience in feeling this way I would appreciate hearing any feedback. I want to be excited and am extremely grateful that we were blessed with this little baby I just can't seem to get over the fact that I'm not making the exciting announcement to the two most important people in my life.
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