Becoming a birth mother

From the very beginning of this pregnancy, I knew I was going to place for adoption. Sure, there was a brief moment where I considered abortion, but because of my religious beliefs and moral obligations, I could never destroy an innocent life that was created because of a mistake I myself had made.

Because I had chosen adoption early on, I didn’t think I was allowed to be sad about it. I thought that I had made my bed, and if I complained or if I showed any hint of sadness towards my decision, the adopted parents would think I was changing my mind, or my friends would take it as a chance to talk me out of it.

I was afraid people would say “well, if it makes you so upset, keep it. Don’t complain. It’s the decision you made so you can’t be sad about it.”

So I smile, I tell everyone that I’m so happy with my decision and I’ve never had a faulting moment of weakness where I considered a different alternative.

I won’t lie, I am so happy about these wonderful people who are about to become the most wonderful parents known to the world. I’m confident that I will never change my mind, and I will never break my promise to them.

But, sometimes, late at night, I put my hand on my slightly growing stomach, and I imagine my carbon-copy child. The person who will love me unconditionally, the one who, already, trusts me to take care of it, the one who I will soon meet and look at and think “my god, did I really make this?”

I imagine the baby powder smell I will always associate the baby with, I imagine the little coos it will make, I imagine it having my blue eyes and nose, I imagine the soft rubbery feel of its cheeks against mine when I hold it for the first time.

And I cry. I cry for the loss of what could have been a life with my child. I cry for the fear of what that delivery day will hold for me, I cry for the loss that my mother will feel when giving her first grandchild away. I cry for the loss of my brother and sister when they say goodbye to their niece or nephew.

It’s hard, knowing that this day doesn’t just affect you, but affects those who were always excited to have an addition in their lives.

I'm only 16 weeks into this pregnancy. I just hope I maintain the strength to go all the way without any more hindrance and trying to stay positive.

Thank you for starting this group, I think it will definitely help.