Cant help but feel this way

I'm 20 years old almost 21 and live with my boyfriend of 4 years.

For a long time I've felt different.. As if I am not supposed to be alive. I grew up with a mom who was on drugs and kept bouncing around houses. Never met my dad I and started to notice a change in my personality in 7th grade. I felt like I couldn't fit in with anyone, like no one really liked me and like everyone was out to get me.. It was all in my head. I then started to cut my wrists with a razor whenever I got upset and it took my mind off it. I started to feel very insecure after noticing I have a much larger nose than people and felt like I was an ugly girl. Well for the past year I've been feeling really sad and not myself. More insecure than ever and definitely low self esteem. I'm always angry and over analyzing things. I feel like I fake my emotions and everyday I tell myself maybe I wasn't supposed to be alive? I don't know.. It upsets me and I'm too scared to commit suicide but am tired of trying. I am so negative and feel like I'm just not good enough for anyone even though I'm in a relationship.. Please don't judge I'm literally just putting my thoughts in words and needed to let it out. Thanks for reading.