Hey Ladies,

I've posted before. A bit of a back ground, I'll be 42 in about 2 months. We have had 4 IUIs and none have been successful. I'm currently 14 days past 4th IUI & tonight am crampy.

My period was due today, but I'm suspecting it tomorrow or Saturday.

Now my real questions..

1) is it Normal to start your cycle on day 17 Post IUI? This is my typical start date. Just delayed enough to get my hopes up. I am on progesterone, so maybe that delays it?

.... Next are opinion requests ....

My Dr. doesn't feel that continuing with IUIs is is beneficial and has referred me to the local IVF office. I already know IVF is not option for us. Should we continue on this TTC journey or just move on. Does anyone know if other services are offered at an IVF clinic? I have so many questions for them, but I feel like I've admitted defeat if I make an appointment with them.

Next, EVERYONE I know is telling me about the Divine and keep praying. A pregnancy will happen. I Am faithful/ spiritual (?) in my own way. I do believe in God, but how do you proceed when you're continually knock down again and again? In all seriousness, how do you find the strength to pick up and move on, try again? Is my self doubt more destructive than my faith? It's hard to not be realistic. I cant go through my TWW with blinded optimism.

My husband is so supportive and encouraging. He thinks our timing is off for IUIs. He may be right, I always catch my peak at night and have the IUI the following afternoon. He wants to keep moving forward with IUIs.

And lastly bc I am absolutely desperate for answers. I did have reading with a clairvoyant. I want to believe bc some things made sense, but I'm a bit of skeptic too. Anyway she told me she saw a son and a daughter for us when I was 42. But she kept "seeing" the word adoption. This is always in the back of my mind. Every damn cycle. I did this after my first IUI. I keep trying to tell myself she means an adoption of a lifestyle change. But it's always there. Haunting me. Adoption. To never have a child that is truly a piece of my husband and of myself. It's just so heartbreaking for me. I know that is SO selfish and immature.

I work in child care and feel self pitty and kind of angry at my belief in God. I am raising everyone else's children and am not capable of conceiving my own. However, I also see the Love and wonderful benefits to the children that comes from from fostering and adoption. But I still, selfishly want my own biological child.

So in all serious and unforgiving openess, how do I move forward? My faith feels like it's letting me down. I talk to my babies soul as I've been told and nothing. Everytime I get my hopes up and get excited, I get crushed.

I know my attitude at work is suffering. I'm annoyed and frustrated. I shouldn't be. Tiny things are stressing to me. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I love those kids and don't feel I'm giving them the love I used to. I'm just a little bit broken.

I've been told to try acupuncture, by multiple people. I just don't know anymore.

What the hell do I do now? I'm still getting peak readings on my opk's. Even with out Letrozole. * I took a cycle off from IUIs between cycles 2 & 3* If I'm getting a peak i still have eggs? I dont even know this stuff. & I've read every book. Listened to every meditation and hypnosis. I just feel lost and alone. I need advice from women who have lived this and are going through this now, at my age. Some friends say they struggled for years also and they conceived. To keep my faith. But seriously? WTF?!

TTC in your 40s