I have one child, my 2 week old daughter, Jade. I met her only 15 days ago, yet she is the light of my life. I feel so blessed and have fallen so deeply in love.

Jade is my only child but she’s not my first. Exactly one year ago today we suffered an unimaginable loss when our daughter Hazel was born into heaven. She was delivered (very prematurely) at 21 weeks and 5 days gestation. Hazel made me a mother, inspired her daddy and I into marriage- and brightened our world. Losing her was beyond devastating. A precious life, barely realized and taken away. Her death was crushing, unfair and shook me to my core.

Being pregnant for a second time, so quickly after our loss, was not easy but it was a blessing. Hazel would have been full term in September 2018 and Jade was conceived in July 2018. We know that without our first loss, our new baby would not be here with us today.

Throughout my second pregnancy I celebrated my new child growing inside of me and also mourned the loss of my first. The tears were sometimes simultaneous- still, now, grief and gratitude pour through me as I try to navigate motherhood after the loss of my infant and the birth of my first living child.

It feels I am constantly asked “is this your first?” It never gets easier... and each time I’m asked it feels like I’ve been punched in the gut. I felt like a mother after I had Hazel. I carried and birthed a daughter who I loved more than life itself, but I never brought her home. I never changed her diapers or nursed her. A few times I tried to explain “I lost my first baby” but the reaction was uncomfortable and awkward... I hated to deny the life of Hazel but eventually I learned to just say “Yes, this will be my first.” First living child, first to come home- but my heart knows she’s not my first. Hazel will always be my first. And Jade, my beautiful rainbow baby.

So, I want to wish a very happy 1st birthday to my daughter in heaven. You are so loved and so missed. Thank you for sending us your little sister 💜🌈

incompetent cervix