Literally just need a rant.

Waited for 5 years to have a baby now. 60 months of hoping then disappointment. Every month it gets harder not easier. I'm feeling so frustrated now. I've watched friends start trying after me and have multiple babies before me. My sole purpose and only real 100% certain aspiration in life is to be a mother, and it seems I can't have that. When smackheads and alcoholics are popping them out like no tomorrow with no problem at all. There's babies everywhere and nothing can distract me from this feeling of hating the world right now.

So we got referred for IVF start of this year on the NHS. I started to feel somewhat positive that my time would possibly come soon. We never fully knew our results as to why we couldnt concieve naturally but knew it was male factor but yesterday at our first proper consultant appointment found out its low sperm count and I'm all good. Good news I guess, can still conceive with IFV as our best option.

They then tell us we're only entitled to 1 round. Wtf. Why? I feel like my chances are so slim, like I've waited 5 years for this, gone through so much, got my hopes up so many times... now its all riding on 1 shot or its game over.

If this doesnt work first time it will literally break me, and the odds are not on my side. How the hell do I stay positive and relaxed knowing this would make or break my life and probably, as much as I dont want to admit it, my 6 year relationship.

I'm so upset 😭😭

So we have to go back in 3 months to get going with it all. Would have started sooner but we just learnt protein shakes can kill sperms apparently, and my boyfriend hits the gym hard and has them religiously every day! So we have to wait until his sperm count hopefully improves after stopping.

More waiting... for what I feel like will be an utter anti-climax. I have the shittest luck. Really struggling with my thoughts at the moment. Arghhh.

Just needed to get this out.

F M L 🤦‍♀️

IVF / FET 2020