So... I think I might be autistic.

I’m sure a lot of these posts pop up, feel free to exit stage yellow.

I understand autism is a spectrum disorder (I used to get so in my feels when this was called a disorder bc I have had plenty of autistic friends and strongly believe that neurological diversity is an asset to the human race, and that society is fuckin trippin... sorry, teenage me had to add her two cents) so everyone has a degree of it but I am beginning to think that I am not quite as neurotypical as I present.

It doesn’t make much of a difference either way bc I don’t feel that even if I was diagnosed... that it should qualify as a disability. I have depression and that impacts my level of ability more than my traits that could be attributed to autism.

But I just want to throw some things out there to get unprofessional opinions (lol) since I don’t know if I’m totally off base or what.

1. I think I stim... or whatever it’s called when autistic people have a habitual action they engage in; I do this bizarre thing where I shake my hands, and it’s never on purpose. It’s not like I can sense my brain and body communicating and I do it because it feels good... I don’t know if it even feels good, per se. I never realize it’s going to happen, only that it’s happening. Sometimes it’s one hand. Usually it’s both. Basically I bend my wrist all the way back and wobble my hands back and forth briskly (side to side, with the wrist still bent back).

👀

It happens when I’m excited, I guess? But it’s more nuanced than that because I’m not going to do it when my boyfriend surprises me or something. I’m going to do it when I’m daydreaming or in my head and something I’m thinking about or considering amps me up in some way. I can stop when I notice it, and it rarely happens in public or in front of anyone... if it does I just play it off like I’m trying to increase my circulation lmao. I have lived with people, including partners (including a partner with diagnostic capabilities) and it’s never been

noticed. Still... I do it.

2. If I get anxious, things get louder. Even for a couple hours after having a panic attack, everything is louder to me. The radio at a normal volume literally hurts my ears, and I think my boyfriend is yelling when he’s not. He has to speak softly to me or I get upset bc I think he is being unnecessarily aggressive or rude... and he has to turn the volume way down and will be like “I can can barely hear it over the sounds of the car and the road, but... okay....” meanwhile, my ears were literally hurting from that shit.

3. I like to plug my ears or put a pillow over my face and ears when I’m really anxious to block out external stimuli. I didn’t realize I was even doing that until I got anxious in public and put my face in my bf’s chest and he put his hands over my ears for me and it felt like a needed drink of water.

4. Speaking of sensitivity... sometimes very light touch actually hurts me. I used to not let people touch me, in general... like, I hugged my friends and joined in some cuddle puddles but I was never the sort of person whose arm or shoulder you would just casually lay your hand on. My mom was a frequent soft toucher. She’s just tap you while talking to you or something (it was a communication strategy/habit she picked up in sales) and it would drive me INSANE and she’d get offended and I would try not to recoil but despite her being my preferred human... my preferred mammal, even... heck, my favoritest favorite of favorites... idk. Even now, I have to communicate with my partner about what kind of touch I can tolerate and there is a range between “use a firm touch or do not touch me... you’ll hurt me,”; “I’m extremely sensitive, so light touching and really gentle pressure is going to feel really intense for me”; and “just treat me like I’m not a head case because my body feels normal today.” — on the super sensitive days, or very sensitive days... pain (NOT from light touching but from spanking or biting or whatever) is pleasurable but on normal days it’s not.

5. I’m a socially awkward person... I understand social cues despite many things flying over my head but I have a really hard time registering sarcasm or things that are largely tone-dependent... my bf will ask me questions in a tone that HE feels is inappropriate, as a JOKE, and hurriedly tells me “don’t answer that,” or “oh baby I wasn’t serious I wouldn’t talk to you like that” while I have literally registered zero issues and have no problem answering like it’s a normal conversation... bc I thought it was 👀 I also get told I’m “talking down” to people or speaking too matter-or-factly and it’s rude or annoying or both... I don’t notice my tone when this or other tone-related issues are happening, but I find I’m communicating in a way that I’m at least partially deaf to... or rather, people routinely pick up on emotion in my voice that isn’t actually there. I may sound sharp when I’m actually curious, interested, and sorting through rapid thoughts... not rapid emotions.

6. I tend to exist on the outside of things. I just do... and I don’t fit into certain social structures (seriously, fuck a clique... I’ve had many a queen bee try to put me to work and I really do not understand it. Why would anyone want to be in a social setup that looks like that? What the fuck does it matter to me if you don’t like that girl? What’s she ever done to ME? Nothing. So we’re going to go hang out mmmmmmk). You have no idea how many times I’ve decentralized power in friend groups and been praised for standing up for myself or others when I’m honestly just sitting there like... huh? That was a thing? Oh was she rly mad? 👀 that’s weird...

I’m a good conversationalist though and am the sort to make friends a parties so I may not come across as autistic. And then... I may not be autistic. I often wonder if my quirks can be explained away by severe anxiety or ptsd... but then I do that hand shaking thing and wonder.

Like maybe I have Aspergers. I used to make this joke back in school that I have Ass-sliders (🤦🏾‍♀️ don’t judge me I’m sorry if it’s offensive) bc I knew I had some social differences and just got along rly well with aspies at school even if they were outcasts.

As a kid I also had some things I had to teach myself not to do; I am convinced I had full blown OCD as a child bc I would tap the light switch three times, every time... obsessively wish blessings on inanimate objects... if I didn’t tap the light I’d have terrible anxiety. I had a lot of quirks that were HARD to break out of. Like I remember having a full breakdown as a child of like 11 when I ran to my bed insisting on not tapping the light switch... I was like twice as neurotic then as I am now.

I know that’s a lot, to read, so thank you if you even made it this far. If I’m autistic I’m not going to be sad about it but I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Autistic Adult Women