I am having such a hard time with life right now. I’m a freshman in college, and I moved ten hours away from home to go to this school. I moved ten hours away from the few friends I had, from the city I’ve spent my entire life in, from all of my family, and from my boyfriend, my best friend in the entire world. He’s my other half, and being away from him is the worst pain I’ve felt. And everything is just falling apart.

I thought I was going to get here and make good friends and actually have a social life for the first time since middle school. I thought my boyfriend and I would be okay, and I’d see him a few times every semester, and I’d learn so much studying the thing I’m passionate about. I was so, so wrong. I have made three friends in the three months I’ve been here: my roommate, and two people in my studio (music major). All I do is go to classes, and then go to my dorm and do nothing. See no one, hang out with no one. My roommate is gone half the time anyways because she lives ten minutes away from campus, and she’s in a sorority. I’ve been so lonely—but it’s been okay, because at least I still had my boyfriend. The man I want to marry, who wants to marry me, that I can feel in my heart I am meant to spend my life with and he feels the same.

But everything’s falling apart now. He doesn’t know if he can do long distance right now, and we went on a break to give each other space to sort out our feelings. Today was the first day, and I have never, ever felt so alone. It just makes me realize how empty and cold my world is without him. He’s the light of my life, and I miss him so much, and my heart is breaking, and I am terrified I’m going to lose him. I regret coming here, I regret going so far away for college. I thought I could move away and be a new person, but I was wrong. And instead all I’ve done is watch my life fall apart more each day.

I’m so homesick. And I want to transfer to the school I almost went to, which is an hour away from my hometown, and I also loved it there. I feel like I rushed myself into growing up, and I’m not ready. I’m so lonely, and I want this life with my other half. I want to be close to my family and be perpetually sticky seven months out of the year (Texas) and be home. I want to be home. And I miss my best friend more then I can ever describe. It hurts so much, and I’m trying so hard to keep going.

I want to go home and I want to transfer. And more then anything, I just want everything to be okay.

Loneliness