Advice!?! With Stepdaughter💜???

Question

Thank you for checking my story out, But I warn you it may be long. I really need some serious advice about what to do..

Here's my dilemma...

My SO's daughter just turned 11 in February and I look at her like she's my stepdaughter, I knew her since she was 4years old we have what I thought was a great relationship. I always take her out buy her stuff do as much as I can to show her I really care about her.. Her dad works 6days a week so I'm home with our toddler, I initiate her visits and different activities that we do. It's been like the past few years. I really enjoy being with her.

Her mom is honestly a great mom But works ALOT and leaves her with her older sister who's 22... Who's Bf is ALWAYS staying the night over their house. So she gets exposed to a lot more now days.. I'll be blunt here...They are a bit.. "hood" to say.. So is her block and the surrounding area😦

Here's "THE " issue...

She recently got an iPhone a few months back for her Bday, she also started going to drill team and hanging out with some of the older and other girls from her school. She came over this week for easter break and left her phone charging in me and my SO's room, so at 3am she starts getting all these Instagram, KIK and flipgram,notifications..😒..pause.. I didn't even know 10-12year old were up that late!

What would you have done?!?

Sooo yes, I looked in her phone to see who it was, and it was a group feed about her and her other friends jumping some other girl.!😮But I also came to realize and find out she curses ALOT and the girls talk about inappropriate stuff.. her friends get dick pic's of older guys in their school when they are hard in their boxer's/briefs. My Sd now says how she wants a boyfriend and that she wants to go out with this boy is her class.. 😟😟 she also text's boys talking about if they like each other and her other friend told the boy about her..

Also

I seen how she doesn't want to come over here that much and says "she's mad AF" that she has to go to her dad's house!😭 and it's "Fucking boring over here".. she kind of talked some "shit" about me and my daughter sleeping in one afternoon only because I was up late with her having a fever and just being restless.. So she's dropping the "F bomb" all over the place to her friend about how "we're still fucking sleeping and "Oh now I wanna get the fuck up"..😔

My SO tried to go through her phone earlier that day and realized that she changed her password again..(I already knew it) BUT I didn't say anything because I didn't want him/her getting upset about it like she normally does when he checks her tablet. I found out her password later on that day.

My question is how do you handle a situation like this!?!?🙈🙉🙊😱

I want to talk to her about what she said to her friend and us being asleep that day along with a few other inappropriate things her friends talk about.. These girls are SERIOUSLY VULGAR!! Dick, stank ass pussy convos the works!!..

BUT I knw it's not going to go well.. I now notice that innocent role that she plays around us is just a front for how she really acts outside and at her friends house..

She's had the partial sex talk, and knows she's too young for boys and was told no boys period. No texting calling face timing ANYTHING.. BUT she does it anyways she even sent one a picture of her😕...

So at what age and point do kids have true "privacy" and when should parents not worry about this stuff?? I had a bad feeling with just how secretive she is.. Her mom doesn't check her phone and I knw she would be upset about this also.. Soooo

What do you do?!? 
 
Would you have checked her phone?!?

Was I wrong!?!

Do you stay out if it and not say anything?!?

I don't want to look like a critic or an instigator.. Which normally happens😭 So should I do???

Answer

First, it's terrible that you feel at a loss for what you thought has been a good bond between yourself and your SD. I can only imagine.

Second as a parent you already know that children are little sponges that absorb everything that they come into contact with. It sounds to me like she is trying to seek acceptance in a house with her mom and older sibling as well as a live in. You said her mom works a lot to be able to provide for her household there. As such she is left with the 22 year old and her boyfriend. Is it possible that she's reacting to what she see's or may see while her mom is away?

Third you and her mom have a decent relationship it seems otherwise she wouldn't willingly let your stepdaughter go with you have you discussed the sexual interest with her? Certainly 11 is far too young to be sexually active. It's possible she's reacting.

Fourth, she probably feels vulnerable about the changes or acts she witnesses when moms not home. While that doesn't give her an excuse to belittle you with your younger child and sleeping in. Children often react the hardest with individuals they feel the safest with. It sounds to me like she's trying to find a social acceptance while also reacting to behavior that isn't stable, appropriate or even safe.

Answer

You weren't wrong checking her phone. I have a 12 year old boy and am constantly checking his stuff. They're old enough for privacy when they pay their own bills lol. I think kids are learning more than they need to these days and our jobs as parents are to help them understand what they are learning. I have open conversations with my son where he can ask whatever he wants without fear of getting in trouble and I try to answer his questions as honestly as I can. Sometimes it does help to have a neutral 3rd party talk with both the parents and the child. I had my son in counseling and that really helped bc he didn't feel like he was being judged. I think you should let your stepdaughter ' s mom know how she's been behaving and what kind of stuff she's into, it's always good to have an ally. I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

Answer

She's a minor and sending and receiving nudes is not Okay! This generation is growing up too fast- the kids want to be adults NOW and they think they understand what sex is and all that and they think they can run their mouth with no punishment because parents are too Afraid of them or ignore them Or are too busy for them - you did the right thing! Id take actions.you guys are the parents! Hope this helps :)

Answer

Wow just wow. 11 years old... my son is 12 and I go through all his stuff when I see fit.  You can use the norton family app which can't be deleted without the password. There is also mighty text that you can view all her text messages on the computer. Someone needs to get a handle on that child cause its only going to get worse.

Answer

I would have done the same honestly. I've been through the exact same situation but my step daughters mom and I did not get along. 
Her phone needs to be taken away IMO. my step daughter didn't even have a phone til 13 and she screwed that up over and over and the phone would be taken away over and over. 
It's a tough situation and I feel your pain. Especially they are going through preteen stage and Wana be "cool".

Answer

You have every right to be concern, I would talk to your husband and show him what you found either he agrees with you and steps up and does something about it or he doesn't. If he chooses to do nothing then you will just have to step back and try not to stress about it. Unfortunately the Bio mom has the most influence over the kids it's heart breaking to see the child you love go down the wrong path but unless you want to fight for full custody then there isn't anything you can do. /:

Answer

She is 11 her phone should be monitored. You should tell her father and let him handle it along with you and her mother. They need to know.

Answer

1. You need to inform her mom of what's going on so you can all be on the same page
2. Her mom and dad should be the primary ones to intervene and have a serious talk with her
3. Everyone should agree on acceptable expectations as well as consequences (I.e we will have access to your phone at all times, if you change password you lose the phone, certain apps are not allowed, etc)
4. Follow through! She has no right to privacy on a phone and you all need to check it regularly. She's 11--if she can't follow the rules for having it, take it away.

Good luck and don't take her comments about you too personally--kids act tough and like they don't care with each other.

Answer

I think her dad needs to know , I also think the no boys at all rule really never works all she will do is hide things from you , I have seen it happen to my friends when they were younger , my daughter is 12 we have had the talk , she knows she can talk to me about anything and I mean anything , obviously I would be absolutely horrified if I found pictures or messages like this on her phone , I just feel like it is important that she knows that she can confide in me and ask me questions about things , instead of turning to other childen for advicev , she needs to be able to talk to you and open up , she is still only a child most probably learning about relationships and sex off older children who are obviously not old enough to give the right advice , I would ignore the comments that she made about you and concentrate on the serious stuff first

Advice!?! With Stepdaughter💜???

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