I'm longing for an ex

Well technically not an ex bf, but ex fwb. We met on a party bus and had a one night stand that turned into 5 mo of seeing one another. Hands down the BEST sex I've ever had. It was passionate, intense, and just amazing. It got to the point where I had a tooth brush at his spot. Let's call him Jon.

Then it was all fucked up. I went to a concert with a few friends and got extremely drunk. I honestly felt like my "friend" Matt took advantage of me. I remember I said no a couple of times but he did it anyway..I felt so..sad, that someone who I trusted and cared about so much did that to me. I pretended to be passed out and he left. I couldn't speak to him for days, and to makes things worse we worked together. Once we spoke I told him what I remembered and he said no, no. You were cuddling with me and we both wanted it. I can't remember much but I do remember saying no at least twice. I just dropped it, never spoke about it again. I still feel so ashamed to this day...

Immediately after I let Jon know because he had the right to know since we were not using protection (I had an IUD). At first he was furious and wanted to kill Matt. He then asked me to get tested for stds, which I did. I then began to notice he wasn't as interested in seeing me and shortly after broke things off with me.

I was devastated. I feel like I was completely in love. He took me on dates, took me on a road trip (which he said he'd never done with a girl before). And just like that it was over. He said he had met someone he wanted to be with.

No less than a few months later he was calling me. Wanting to see me..I let him come over. We slept together and he apologized for everything...made it clear this wouldn't be a regular thing. As he was still with the girl he left me for.

I saw him a couple of times after, and I can't get him out of my head. He likes to ask me for pictures, tells me he dreams of me. I always give in because I'm still so into him and it's been almost 5 years since this all started. Now , I see he's engaged but hasn't even mentioned it to me and even asked if we could meet up again when I visit home.

This fucking sucks because I want him so bad but he's choosing to be with someone else. He's already cheated on her several times with me and keeps in contact, says he'll never be able to forget me. I don't understand!! I'm mad because I'm getting played but I can't help my feelings and I'm mad because this poor girl thinks he's faithful and has no clue who she's marrying!!!

I just wish I could get over him.

That's my confession.