Having trouble handling my loss.

Im completely falling apart... I lost my son at 16 weeks, April 14th... I hate thrusday just another reminder another week has passed... I Think I'm over it then the tears start falling... when does the hurting stop? when will I finally stop blaming myself... not looking forward to October at all... this can't be real... I just want to wake up from this nightmare... everyone else forgets but I only wish I could... seriously just can't hold it together anymore... why me? Why my son? I just want him back so bad... then trying for a rainbow baby confuses me nothing about my cycle is normal to me... I have only had one period since my loss and I should have my second one Monday but I started spotting Sunday thought it was implantation bleeding but then I started spotting today. I Feel like a failure... I want a baby so bad... it kills me losing Dennis then I can't even figure out my cycle to try again..