I refuse to be broken...
Last month, on Mother's Day, I took Misoprostol to induce a miscarriage of my 7 week old fetus.
I had started bleeding at 5 weeks and knew something just wasn't right, at an ultrasound the following week, the Dr. confirmed there was no growth, no heartbeat...the pregnancy just wasn't viable. My SO held my hand and rubbed my back...assuring me that we could try again. As tears rolled down my face, I put my pants back on, tied my shoes...and felt all the dreams and visions of our baby slip away into a pool of emptiness that felt so far away from the hopefulness and extreme happiness I felt just days before.
On May 11th, 2 days after taking the Misoprostol, I passed the fetal tissue and finally felt able to grieve the loss in its entirety...but I also vowed myself to not let the grief consume me.
Since that moment, I have made every effort to be open about my experience even when the norm is to keep the evil tale of miscarriage to oneself. I have celebrated the (what seems like one million) pregnancies happening around me, even when I wanted to rage inside with jealousy because I realized that those same women may have had similar experiences to mine and were now carrying their "rainbow babies". I have concentrated on celebrating my body by doing yoga, running or surfing, in moments when I felt so defeated and so defective. I have cried, I have laughed, I have researched, I have asked why, I have asked when will it be my turn.
2 days ago, my first period since the miscarriage started. It feels strangely weird to feel comforted by the bleeding, because the last time I bled...it was the most terrifying and heartbreaking feeling in the world.
This round of TTC, I am not going to stress and calculate everything little thing. I am going to love on my man, exercise and eat healthy just like I always do. I am going to live and be active and enjoy being in a happy and loving relationship, surrounded by friends and family that support us. I am excited for this fresh start, and I am going to try and not let the past shape my fears or thoughts of what the future has to hold.
I am not going to let this miscarriage break my spirit.
I will be a mom...It's just that simple.
Sending all the hopeful mommas-to-be so much love...may you all find the strength to continue on this crazy adventure ❤️